WELL HELLO.  IT’S DEVEN GREEN.

 

DEVEN GREEN is an award-winning comedic chanteuse. You know her from the “Welcome To My Home” and “Welcome To My White House” parodies, portraying the satirical Betty Bowers and playing her live music show across the Americas.  DevenGreen.com

 

Dear Deven:

I was at my Grandmother’s funeral and started laughing uncontrollably. I was embarrassed and obviously apologized.  Am I an awful person?

“Out Of Place”

Yes, you are awful…awfully human.  You experienced an anxiety break which is totally common and happens at the most inappropriate times. You can’t control it so excuse yourself until you settle down.  Sorry about your loss, honey.

 

Dear Deven:

I really like my brother’s new boyfriend but I keep calling him by the former boyfriend’s name! He was with his ex for so long I have it ingrained in my mind. How do I switch over to the new name?

“Foot In Mouth”

I see you have made your brother’s relationship all about you.  Maybe YOU are missing his ex!  Pull the new boyfriend aside and apologize then call him “buddy” from now on.

 

Dear Deven:

I was at a small dinner party and our friend, who is a vegan chef, brought out appetizers. They were awful! Everyone thought so. I spite mine out and the chef got upset.  What was I supposed to do?

“Tasteless”

Have some class in dealing with unpleasant things in your mouth.  No one else said anything because they were grateful for his efforts. Next time, take a smaller bite and chew with your mouth closed.

 

Dear Deven:

I have wanted to date this guy for years but he was always with other people.  I heard he broke up so I swooped in but he rejected me!  Why do I feel so mad?

“Ill Timed”

You should be mad at yourself for acting like a vulture. If you considered him a friend and not a “thing” to subjugate, you would have given him some breathing room and then connected.

 

Dear Deven:

I’m in a workplace soccer league. We eat and drink socially after our games.  One guy keeps trying to conduct business when we just want to unwind. How do I address his desperation?

“Left-field”

He’s offside so tell him your communal goal is fun. Defend your position by inviting him to a business meeting at the office. If you are uncomfortable doing it one-on-one, then make a group announcement at the start of your social time.

 

Dear Deven:

My close friend is now a fan of wearing caftans – those loose dresses.  He keeps asking me how it looks. How do I lie?

“Ill-Suited”

You give him a little truth syrup such as, “you are one-of-a-kind and look so very comfortable.” Either join him or let him have his fun and be free.

 

Dear Deven:

I was invited over for a first date and he didn’t even clean the sheets! I just COULDN’T so I didn’t but then HE got mad! What?

“Unbecoming”

You, being a man of cleanliness, should have moved your party to the shower.  Let him be mad because your record is still spotless.

 

Dear Friends: I do not offer advice, only my experience. DevenGreen@gmail.com

 

 

Image: Reed Davis Photography

MUA: Joseph Adivari

Hair: Miles Jeffries

Dress: Debakalis by John Sakalis / Eddie DeBarr