WELL HELLO. IT’S DEVEN GREEN. February 2019.

DEVEN GREEN is an award-winning comedic chanteuse. You know her from the “Welcome To My Home” and “Welcome To My White House” parodies, headlining her live music show and rising to the occasion. DevenGreen.com

Dear Deven:

I have a lover on the side who has now become my main person. I have taken him out with friends and, unfortunately, he acts up. He will say somewhat off-putting jokes or interject in a conversation with an odd personal story. How do I put him back to side-piece?

Banana”

You wanted all the excitement of a secret partner without all the baggage. This is what happens when you start out with a strictly physical relationship; you are now shocked at his emotional / intellectual deficits. He may lack self esteem but you lack self respect.

Dear Deven:

Brian is a loud talker. I have to shush him in public because he is so loud. Honestly, he has no volume control. How do I put him on mute?

Challah”

Tell him to whisper. If someone asks him to speak up then can he increase his personal volume. Just to be on the safe side maybe he needs a hearing test.

Dear Deven:

You’ve heard of resting-bitch-face, right? My friend has resting-disgruntled-face. He always looks like he is unimpressed. It’s how he is but how do I warn others?

Rye”

Perhaps your friend can look after his own face and let others judge his temperament when he talks. If you don’t warn others I have a feeling it will all play out just fine.

Dear Deven:

This is so petty but a co-worker says, “no” to everything. From lunch choices to business ideas he just says, “no” then eventually he will say, “yes.” It’s maddening. I just wanted to vent.

Naan”

I know you have to work with him but limit any other personal involvement. That consistent negativity can certainly sour you and everyone else around him. Keep your spirits up by not allowing his influence.

Dear Deven:

I was dining with my boss and got crumbs all over my lap. When I tried to brush them away he looked at me like I was a heathen. I feel like I did something wrong. Did I?

Rolls”

You didn’t do anything wrong, just incorrectly. First of all, use a napkin. Second of all, break off bite-size pieces of bread so they fit in your mouth. Thirdly, get a new job. I’m kidding. Just read up on basic dining etiquette.

Dear Deven:

I was going to get married then changed my mind but now I realize I want to get married. My “fiancee” is now getting cold feet. How do I get him back on the wedding train?

Waffle”

It is more than a case of cold feet, this is about your indecisive heart. If you have to convince someone to marry you, you probably don’t trust yourself, so don’t expect him to trust you.

 

Dear Friends: I do not offer advice, only my salacious experience. DevenGreen@gmail.com