Photo: Jasmin Mieles

MUA: David Marvel

DEVEN GREEN is an award-winning comedic chanteuse. You know her from the “Welcome To My Home” series of comedic parodies, headlining her convivial music show and being a ray of light. DevenGreen.com

Dear Deven:

I fell head-over-heels for a celebrity. I think he likes me too! How do I proceed to date someone famous?

Crazy For You”

You don’t. As a generalization, they will suck your energy and lifeblood until you are a husk of what you once were. Then, they will move on. #fact.


Dear Deven:

I survived a car crash now I feel like I am invincible. How great is that?

Live To Tell”

We are glad you are here with us, so stay a while. Don’t push your luck.


Dear Deven:

I actually won a huge chunk of money in the lottery. When people find out, all they want to do is wrangle something from me. How do I shake them off?

Lucky Star”

They see you as receiving “free money” as opposed to you earning your money so it doesn’t “cost” you anything to give them some. Never discuss your finances in public again.


Dear Deven:

I get rashes easily. It isn’t a disease, just irritations but I feel new romances stutter when they see it up close. How should I educate them?

Burning Up”

I would play this up so a new suitor would feel compelled to take care of your every need. You may also suggest that snacks and gifts keep your rashes at bay.


Dear Deven:

Our friend disliked us getting him a particular magazine subscription as a gift. He said it was a “women’s” magazine. However you respond I will abide.


Fashion, beauty, culture, living, and runway is for everyone. Not only is your friend ungrateful he should have known you well enough to realize your intentions were to earnestly make him happy. He deserves NOTHING!


Dear Deven:

My ex just slammed the phone down mid-conversation. I’m fuming!

“Hung Up”

You teach people how to treat you so, if you wish to engage in this immaturity then call him back. If you don’t call him back, he will be a distant ex.


Dear Deven:

Oh god, I’m with a sweet guy who bows his head before each meal even if we are out in public. Why am I cringing?

Like A Prayer”

Because are you a d*ck. In the future chose people who are more aligned with you. I suggest you conduct yourself with a little more grace.


Dear Deven:

I went to elementary school with my best friend. We are still best friends today. How rare is that?

“True Blue”

Most people just have memories. You have a rich, tangible history. It is going to be wonderful to have such great company with each other in your twilight years.

Dear Friends: I do not offer savory advice, only my salacious experience. DevenGreen@gmail.com