WELL HELLO. IT’S DEVEN GREEN.

Photo: Jasmin Mieles

MUA: David Marvel

DEVEN GREEN is an award-winning comedic chanteuse. You know her from the “Welcome To My Home” series of comedic parodies, headlining her convivial music show and being a ray of light. DevenGreen.com

Dear Deven:

I fell head-over-heels for a celebrity. I think he likes me too! How do I proceed to date someone famous?

“Crazy For You”

You don’t. As a generalization, they will suck your energy and lifeblood until you are a husk of what you once were. Then, they will move on. #fact.

Dear Deven:

I survived a car crash now I feel like I am invincible. How great is that?

“Live To Tell”

We are glad you are here with us, so stay a while. Don’t push your luck.

Dear Deven:

I actually won a huge chunk of money in the lottery. When people find out, all they want to do is wrangle something from me. How do I shake them off?

“Lucky Star”

They see you as receiving “free money” as opposed to you earning your money so it doesn’t “cost” you anything to give them some. Never discuss your finances in public again.

Dear Deven:

I get rashes easily. It isn’t a disease, just irritations but I feel new romances stutter when they see it up close. How should I educate them?

“Burning Up”

I would play this up so a new suitor would feel compelled to take care of your every need. You may also suggest that snacks and gifts keep your rashes at bay.

Dear Deven:

Our friend disliked us getting him a particular magazine subscription as a gift. He said it was a “women’s” magazine. However you respond I will abide.

“Vogue”

Fashion, beauty, culture, living, and runway is for everyone. Not only is your friend ungrateful he should have known you well enough to realize your intentions were to earnestly make him happy. He deserves NOTHING!

Dear Deven:

My ex just slammed the phone down mid-conversation. I’m fuming!

“Hung Up”

You teach people how to treat you so, if you wish to engage in this immaturity then call him back. If you don’t call him back, he will be a distant ex.

Dear Deven:

Oh god, I’m with a sweet guy who bows his head before each meal even if we are out in public. Why am I cringing?

“Like A Prayer”

Because are you a d*ck. In the future chose people who are more aligned with you. I suggest you conduct yourself with a little more grace.

Dear Deven:

I went to elementary school with my best friend. We are still best friends today. How rare is that?

“True Blue”

Most people just have memories. You have a rich, tangible history. It is going to be wonderful to have such great company with each other in your twilight years.

Dear Friends: I do not offer savory advice, only my salacious experience. DevenGreen@gmail.com

WELL HELLO. IT’S DEVEN GREEN. February 2019.

DEVEN GREEN is an award-winning comedic chanteuse. You know her from the “Welcome To My Home” and “Welcome To My White House” parodies, headlining her live music show and rising to the occasion. DevenGreen.com

Dear Deven:

I have a lover on the side who has now become my main person. I have taken him out with friends and, unfortunately, he acts up. He will say somewhat off-putting jokes or interject in a conversation with an odd personal story. How do I put him back to side-piece?

“Banana”

You wanted all the excitement of a secret partner without all the baggage. This is what happens when you start out with a strictly physical relationship; you are now shocked at his emotional / intellectual deficits. He may lack self esteem but you lack self respect.

—

Dear Deven:

Brian is a loud talker. I have to shush him in public because he is so loud. Honestly, he has no volume control. How do I put him on mute?

“Challah”

Tell him to whisper. If someone asks him to speak up then can he increase his personal volume. Just to be on the safe side maybe he needs a hearing test.

—

Dear Deven:

You’ve heard of resting-bitch-face, right? My friend has resting-disgruntled-face. He always looks like he is unimpressed. It’s how he is but how do I warn others?

“Rye”

Perhaps your friend can look after his own face and let others judge his temperament when he talks. If you don’t warn others I have a feeling it will all play out just fine.

—

Dear Deven:

This is so petty but a co-worker says, “no” to everything. From lunch choices to business ideas he just says, “no” then eventually he will say, “yes.” It’s maddening. I just wanted to vent.

“Naan”

I know you have to work with him but limit any other personal involvement. That consistent negativity can certainly sour you and everyone else around him. Keep your spirits up by not allowing his influence.

—

Dear Deven:

I was dining with my boss and got crumbs all over my lap. When I tried to brush them away he looked at me like I was a heathen. I feel like I did something wrong. Did I?

“Rolls”

You didn’t do anything wrong, just incorrectly. First of all, use a napkin. Second of all, break off bite-size pieces of bread so they fit in your mouth. Thirdly, get a new job. I’m kidding. Just read up on basic dining etiquette.

—

Dear Deven:

I was going to get married then changed my mind but now I realize I want to get married. My “fiancee” is now getting cold feet. How do I get him back on the wedding train?

“Waffle”

It is more than a case of cold feet, this is about your indecisive heart. If you have to convince someone to marry you, you probably don’t trust yourself, so don’t expect him to trust you.

Dear Friends: I do not offer advice, only my salacious experience. DevenGreen@gmail.com

DEVEN GREEN is an award-winning comedic chanteuse who will be playing live shows at the Art House in Provincetown July 23-27. You know her from the “Welcome To My Home” and “Welcome To My White House” parodies, portraying Betty Bowers and wearing kinky boots.

Dear Deven:

We visit my partner’s mother every month for Sunday dinner. There is something odd about how he fawns and coos over her. I know she is jealous of me. It’s a sticky situation.

“Mamma Mia”

A lesson from nature: never come between a mama bear and her cub. That is how their relationship is whether you are there or not. A clever man would win her affection so he could enjoy twelve Sundays a year.

Dear Deven:

I got “Liza” from a kitten adoption 10 years ago. She recently had a seizure and now needs medicine four times a day on the clock. I’ve turned into a nurse and cannot leave the house. I love my little fluff-ball but I can’t really live a normal life. I am stuck at home because I love her so much. Help.

“Cats”

I’m so sorry you both have to go through this. You need to find balance with your schedule by getting additional help. Show a trusted neighbor, close friend, or pet service how to administer the meds so you can get a physical / mental reprieve. It takes a very strong person to be a full-time caretaker of a human or a pet.

Dear Deven:

Remember when Julia Roberts married Lyle Lovett? People didn’t think twice about commenting that she married an “ugly” guy. I married the best guy ever but I’m told he’s an “ugly” guy. Why do I have to defend him/myself that it isn’t always about looks?

“Beauty and The Beast”

No need to convince rude people of anything – they happen to be ugly on the inside. Sometimes you get involved with someone and others just don’t “get it” at first. Well, it’s not for them to “get.” It’s for you to enjoy.

Dear Deven:

My colleague at work just started wearing make up and a wig. It has created quite the stir. How do we all handle it?

“Hairspray”

By showing respect. Offer them a safe environment to discuss it with the group when they are ready. The only office gossip should be how you can support them.

Dear Deven:

I haven’t told anyone that I go to church. I zone out most of the time because I’m really just there to sing. Am I going to hell?

“Jesus Christ Superstar”

Yes dear, and you are taking all of us down with you.

Dear Deven:

I got my boyfriend the specific gift he requested for his birthday. He said “thank you” but there was a sideways comment of, “was that the only color left?” Uugghh.

“Oliver”

Gift. Card.

Dear Deven:

I get controlled by others and give up my will a bit. I always thought that was the “compromise” in a relationship. Am I too passive?

“The Wizard of Oz”

You can only be hypnotized if you are willing. When you wake up, you will take better care of your brain and heart which will give you courage.

Dear Friends: I do not offer advice, only my worldly experience.  DevenGreen@gmail.com

PHOTO CREDITS:

Image: Ryan Forbes

MUA: Joseph Adivari

DEVEN GREEN is an award-winning comedic chanteuse. You know her from the “Welcome To My Home” and “Welcome To My White House” parodies, portraying the satirical Betty Bowers and enjoying trivial pursuits.  DevenGreen.com

Dear Deven:

My friends have a weekly TV viewing party but there is one magnetic personality who just uses the time to “hold court.” I’m so bugged by him. Why?

“Monopoly”

You can’t have a king without jesters. Others are choosing to listen to him. Perhaps you like the spotlight and are jealous he is lording over your disciples.

Dear Deven:

I was slowly working on reducing my decades-long, outstanding debt. My new husband feels like I should continue to pay for it myself.

Can’t he help?

“Uno”

You sound like you are shocked that he isn’t fixing your problem. Your past is your past and sometimes people will offer an assist but, baby, you need to know how to handle your business all on your own.

Dear Deven:

When we go out for drinks and socialize I have one friend who makes up facts and then gets upset when we look up the real answers on our phones. Why is he committing this easily verifiable unforced error?

“Balderdash”

He needs attention and wants to be perceived as being smarter than others. He has gotten away with passing off erroneous information before you called his bluff.  The scam is up and he feels attacked. It is ponderous when people choose to be willfully ignorant.

Dear Deven:

My former friend just said he wouldn’t accept my apology until I told him exactly what I had done wrong. Isn’t saying “I was wrong” enough?

“Sorry”

Not today and not for him it isn’t. You had better come up with more words and actions to fix this mess. Then, you should both agree never to bring it up again.

Dear Deven:

My parents like my sister more than they like me. She gets their attention and praise while I have to beg them to be noticed. How do I change my fam?

“Connect Four”

It’s meeting/therapy time because this is not about your parents. It is about your competitive relationship with your sister. Work through this so the four of you can really get along as a strong family unit. This needs a resolution or it will affect all your relationships.

Dear Deven:

My friend always has a scheme he is running. The last one was about investing money in a new product that was already on the market! I laughed, but deep down I am worried. How do I give him some direction?

“Mastermind”

He has a get-rich-quick personality but lives as a paycheck-to-paycheck guy. Consider having him work for you legitimately…in the sales department.

Dear Deven:

A guy I kissed earlier in the night ended up making out with a girl later on! What is that about?

“Taboo”

NO WAY! Honey, some people just like kissing and some people just like judging others. Guess which one you are.

Dear Friends: All of my delightful advice is for entertainment purposes only. DevenGreen@gmail.com

Image: Jasmin Mieles

Mua: David Marvel

DEVEN GREEN is an award-winning comedic chanteuse. You know her from the “Welcome To My Home” and “Welcome To My White House” parodies, portraying the satirical Betty Bowers and enjoying a high ball.   DevenGreen.com

Dear Deven:

I am currently dating an older gentleman that talks Shakespearean when he is around his friends. How do I tell him that it’s mortifying to me?

“Old Fashioned”

Don’t worry! You won’t be dating him for long.  He is too good for you and your petty judgments.

Dear Deven:

I live with a “handyman” (my husband) who will watch a home repair program then think he can do it himself! It costs me more to fix it later. How do I get him to change the channel?

“Screwdriver”

I say, “put him to work!” Be a project manager and use his services for smaller more realistic jobs to do around the house/yard. Give him credit for trying.

Dear Deven:

I get a “free night” once a month outside the parameters of my relationship. Can you help me out?

“Hot Toddy”

1) I’m not a hook up site. 2) I’ll bet there is an online app for this type of activity. 3) Make sure your partner knows the nature of your relationship.

Dear Deven:

I had taken myself off the market last year for personal growth and found that it was more frustrating than anything else. Totally pointless.  What is the best way to make up for lost time?

“Absinthe”

I hope you learned that if something doesn’t feel right you need to change it pronto. Realistically you can never make up for lost time, you can only double up on your efforts moving forward.

Dear Deven:

I’ve recently moved from Atlanta to NY for work. I’m very enthusiastic about how much I love my home city but someone ends up taking offense.  How can I stop these “my city is better” comparison arguments?

“Manhattan”

You are homesick, honey. Atlanta is everything to you but there is something in your delivery that is making others defensive.  Find the beauty where you have to be until you can rest where you wish.

Dear Deven:

I’m in a long-distance love affair but I hate flying. Are we doomed?

“B-52”

I’m sure you phone, text, and video chat, but the real test is the day-to-day experience.  It seems very fulfilling for what you need right now emotionally, but, if you want more you will ultimately end up drifting apart.

Dear Deven:

I’m a morning person. He is a night person. Will it ever work out?

“Tequila Sunrise”

Agree that you are both good for a nooner and everything will be just fine.

Dear Friends: I do not offer advice, only my excellent experience.  DevenGreen@gmail.com

Image: Reed Davis Photography

MUA: Joseph Adivari Hair: Miles Jeffries

Dress: Debakalis by John Sakalis / Eddie DeBarr

DEVEN GREEN is an award-winning comedic chanteuse. You know her from the “Welcome To My Home” and “Welcome To My White House” parodies, portraying the satirical Betty Bowers and as a nefarious

bon vivant.  DevenGreen.com

Dear Deven:

My nieces and nephew are monsters. Can’t I wait until they are in their 20s to spend time with them?

“Spoiled”

Dearest, all children are monsters, but they are not your monsters.  Be the fun uncle that always has to leave immediately.  Let them know they are loved in short, palatable intervals.

Dear Deven:

I just ate a whole sleeve of cookies. That is one serving right?

“Indulged”

Yes, of course!  But, sugar is not a reward and ultimately will not comfort you.

Dear Deven:

When I was younger I used to massage every whim and ego of my mentor. Now that I am older I find myself doing the same thing with my boss. 

Why am I like this?

“Pandered”

You were taught to be a sycophant from your mentor. When you raise your own personal standards of worthiness you will increase your confidence. You can admire someone without kissing their ass.

Dear Deven:

My parents are well-off so I have lived a pretty charmed life until I REALLY over- spent and they cut me off.  I can’t lead the lifestyle I am used to anymore. What do I tell people?

“Mollycoddled”

Boo. Hoo. Hoo. You were wasteful and self-indulgent when you could have created your own empire. Your parents have given you the gift of an amazing life lesson: To be able to tell people you are independently wealthy.

Dear Deven:

Is it weird that two grown men call each other baby names in public?

“Cosseted”

Oh sugar-muffin, poodle-head, peach bottom, of course it is! So what.

Dear Deven:

I think I am with a Momma’s boy.  We will be watching a TV show and he will ask me to get him something from the kitchen.  He’s not rude, it’s just that he EXPECTS me to just do it for him.  Should I?

“Catered”

Would it help if he called you sugar-muffin? If it’s bothering you that much then make a snack platter together before you both sit down.

Dear Deven:

I get my nails buffed and polished.  A “youth” questioned me on this practice.  How can they not get it?

“Pampered”

I know! “Youth” have so much to learn from you.  I’ll bet he was curious enough to try it himself.

Dear Deven:

I buy everything related to a certain musical.  I have to have it all. Stop me!

“Wicked”

You will never “have it all.” So just buy what you love. This applies to most areas of your life.

Dear Friends: I do not offer advice, only my experience.  DevenGreen@gmail.com

Image: Reed Davis Photography

MUA: Joseph Adivari Hair: Miles Jeffries

Dress: Debakalis by John Sakalis / Eddie DeBarr

DEVEN GREEN is an award-winning musical comedy performer. You know her from the “Welcome To My Home” and “Welcome To My White House” parodies, as the satirical Betty Bowers and performing as a comedic chanteuse in lounges across America.  DevenGreen.com

Image: Reed Davis

Celebrity voice guest (online): NELSON ASPEN  

Dear Deven:

It has been a tough year dealing with the daily news. I need a reason to feel better.

“Here Comes The Sun”

It is all cyclical. Eventually storms pass and skies are blue again. Be happy when you have sunlight and find a way to have hope when it is dark.

Dear Deven:

I’m glad this year is over. I’ve never felt so angry and isolated. How do I not stay this way?

“I Want To Hold Your Hand”

Your nature is to be social and not alone. When you reach out to connect, someone will always reach back.

Dear Deven:

I tried living “out with the old and in with the new,” but had a tough time letting go of the old. How do I cut ties?

“Hello, Goodbye”

Try either a quick break or a slow dissolve to move forward. Some elements just naturally fade from your purview and others pivot abruptly. These are both growing pains.

Dear Deven:

I buy the least expensive item anywhere for everything.  My closest friends say I’m cheap. What am I?

“Penny Lane”

You are a handful! If you pay the lowest price now and the item doesn’t last long then you are essentially paying double. When you thoughtfully factor in your end-game you may work your way up to being frugal.

Dear Deven:

I can’t stop thinking about my last love.  I can’t really get over him.  I want everything to be the way it was. How do I do this?

“Yesterday”

You don’t. If you dwell in the past how can you be with anyone, including yourself, right now? Conversely, if you fret about the future you will miss all the opportunities of today.

Dear Deven:

I took your advice and talked to someone about “me” and not fixing “us.” I feel stable for the first time in a long time and our relationship is solid. Thank you.

“We Can Work It Out”

It looks great on you. I’m glad you are enjoying what you knew was inside of you the whole time.

Dear Deven:

I work so hard at love.  How will I know when it is authentic?

“Real Love”

When you freely give your time, heart and best efforts to another person perhaps that is the closest ideal to real love. Of course, it is also the person that annoys you the least.

Dear Deven:

I love you.

“All You Need Is Love”

I feel it. Please let others know how much you care by telling them. Happy holidays friends, I will meet you under the mistletoe. I love you.

Dear Friends: I do not offer advice, only my experience.  DevenGreen@gmail.com

Special celebrity audio version here: GoliathAtlanta.com

DEVEN GREEN is an award-winning musical comedy performer. You know her from the “Welcome To My Home” and “Welcome To My White House” parodies, portraying the satirical Betty Bowers and performing as a comedic chanteuse in lounges across America. Deven has chosen you – congratulations. DevenGreen.com

Image: Franz Szony / Mua: Joseph Adivari
Special celebrity audio version ONLINE VERSION ONLY: Jack Mackenroth

Dear Deven:
How do I know if the choices I am making are best for me or if I am inadvertently sabotaging myself?
“Choosing”
If you find yourself justifying your choice over and over again, then something isn’t quite right. You need to honestly feel at peace with your decisions.

Dear Deven:
I live a lot of life but most times I feel empty like I am just filling up the time with “stuff.” I need something extra. What’s wrong?
“Nourishing”
It is time to take personal inventory on what you have experienced and then metabolize those lessons. You are not filling yourself up with what you need, you are simply consuming whatever is there. This is akin to “empty calories.”

Dear Deven:
I always ask for advice from all my friends, but they never ask me for my advice. Don’t you think that is a bit rude?
“Picking”
Yes. YOU are rude by relying too heavily on their value system instead of having your own. You need to start making your own decisions, then you can ask them for their opinions, not their answers.

Dear Deven:
I’m an idiot. I made a horrible choice at a bar. How do I forgive myself?
“Regretting”
I forgive you if that helps but be good to you by not putting yourself in that position again.

Dear Deven:
We fight over the stupidest things. He constantly says things like, “MOVE OUT!” but I don’t think he really means them. I can’t let go of these arguments though. Should I stay or should I go?
“Deciding”
There are consequences to what we all say. Mature adults argue but come to a point of agreement without cutting the other person down. If he doesn’t mean what he says, then why are you still listening?

Dear Deven:
I am dating using online sites, but there are just so many choices I honestly can’t make up my mind. Any guidance?
“Optioning”
Try one of each.

Dear Deven:
I ended up getting pressured AGAIN into buying clothes I can’t afford by a sales associate. I feel guilty if I don’t buy them. Why can’t I walk away?
“Exiting”
They are emotionally blackmailing you and it is working. You need to ask yourself why you need the approval of a complete stranger. If you walk away empty handed I can guarantee that they will happily greet you the next time you return. Choose YOU not them.

Dear Friends: I do not offer advice, only my experience.
Send me your questions: DevenGreen@gmail.com
PS: Special celebrity audio version: GoliathAtlanta.com