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WELL HELLO. IT’S DEVEN GREEN. February 2019.

DEVEN GREEN is an award-winning comedic chanteuse. You know her from the “Welcome To My Home” and “Welcome To My White House” parodies, headlining her live music show and rising to the occasion. DevenGreen.com

Dear Deven:

I have a lover on the side who has now become my main person. I have taken him out with friends and, unfortunately, he acts up. He will say somewhat off-putting jokes or interject in a conversation with an odd personal story. How do I put him back to side-piece?

Banana”

You wanted all the excitement of a secret partner without all the baggage. This is what happens when you start out with a strictly physical relationship; you are now shocked at his emotional / intellectual deficits. He may lack self esteem but you lack self respect.

Dear Deven:

Brian is a loud talker. I have to shush him in public because he is so loud. Honestly, he has no volume control. How do I put him on mute?

Challah”

Tell him to whisper. If someone asks him to speak up then can he increase his personal volume. Just to be on the safe side maybe he needs a hearing test.

Dear Deven:

You’ve heard of resting-bitch-face, right? My friend has resting-disgruntled-face. He always looks like he is unimpressed. It’s how he is but how do I warn others?

Rye”

Perhaps your friend can look after his own face and let others judge his temperament when he talks. If you don’t warn others I have a feeling it will all play out just fine.

Dear Deven:

This is so petty but a co-worker says, “no” to everything. From lunch choices to business ideas he just says, “no” then eventually he will say, “yes.” It’s maddening. I just wanted to vent.

Naan”

I know you have to work with him but limit any other personal involvement. That consistent negativity can certainly sour you and everyone else around him. Keep your spirits up by not allowing his influence.

Dear Deven:

I was dining with my boss and got crumbs all over my lap. When I tried to brush them away he looked at me like I was a heathen. I feel like I did something wrong. Did I?

Rolls”

You didn’t do anything wrong, just incorrectly. First of all, use a napkin. Second of all, break off bite-size pieces of bread so they fit in your mouth. Thirdly, get a new job. I’m kidding. Just read up on basic dining etiquette.

Dear Deven:

I was going to get married then changed my mind but now I realize I want to get married. My “fiancee” is now getting cold feet. How do I get him back on the wedding train?

Waffle”

It is more than a case of cold feet, this is about your indecisive heart. If you have to convince someone to marry you, you probably don’t trust yourself, so don’t expect him to trust you.

 

Dear Friends: I do not offer advice, only my salacious experience. DevenGreen@gmail.com

 

 

DEVEN GREEN is an award-winning comedic chanteuse. You know her from the “Welcome To My Home” and “Welcome To My White House” parodies, headlining her live music show and offering a firm, guiding grip on direction.   DevenGreen.com

 

 Remember that life has three modes: driver, passenger, and onlooker. Which one are you? There is no wrong answer because your response simply reveals where you are at today. Try all three positions at some point.
I offer you a spotlight of inspiration for a happy and thoughtful 2019!

 

JANUARY:

Focus on yourself.  Get it together.  If you think it’s time for a shift, it is. Remodel your attitude before someone else asks you to.

I know you can make this important calibration.

 

FEBRUARY:

Focus on fun. Go play.  Make new friends, even if only for one night. Indulge a secret whim or desire. Get that witty, amusing sharpness back.

 

MARCH:

Focus on family.  Make a call, write a letter, drop a line, video chat.

Do it for yourself, do it for them, break the holding pattern. It’s time. They have known you the longest, they activate you the quickest. Give them the grace to be annoying.

 

APRIL:

Focus on shedding. Pounds, friends, egos, and emotional weight.

It will be the second most important exfoliation you will perform other than your visage.

 

MAY:

Focus on abilities.  Upgrade your skill set or learn a brand new talent. Perfect your craft.  Elevate your expertise.  Find a mentor.

You are the person who attempted it because you created the time.

 

JUNE:

Focus on others.  Be kinder, nicer and gentler.  Share more, talk less.

One philanthropic endeavor leads to another.

 

JULY:

Focus on animals.  Pet, adopt, foster or donate to little furry friends.  Learn about animals around the world.  Collar, leash or heel from a place of love.

 

AUGUST:

Focus on intelligence.  There are so many online classes, courses and educational opportunities. Start reading tonight.

Read to someone you care about. Read about someone you care about.

 

SEPTEMBER:

Focus on romance.  Expand your social circle. Hold hands, kiss, gaze in admiration. Commit to love of your past, present and future.

You are lovable. You are loved. I love you.

 

OCTOBER:

Focus on food. Try new flavors. Share a meal. Serve others.

Eat more greens; you’ll never go back.

 

NOVEMBER:

Focus on society.  Be a good neighbor, vote, show up for jury duty, be a solid citizen. How can you help to make your piece of the world just a little bit better for everyone else? I know you will have this answer.

 

DECEMBER:
Focus on forgiveness starting with yourself.  Let go of anger. Apologize earnestly.  You are so kind to everyone else,

it’s time for you to be kind to yourself.

 

 

Dear Friends: Thank you to you the readers and especially Goliath for having me share this page with you.  Let’s make 2019 better in all respects.

DevenGreen@gmail.com

Special celebrity audio version here: GoliathAtlanta.com

DEVEN GREEN is an award-winning comedic chanteuse who will be playing live shows at the Art House in Provincetown July 23-27. You know her from the “Welcome To My Home” and “Welcome To My White House” parodies, portraying Betty Bowers and wearing kinky boots.

 

Dear Deven:

We visit my partner’s mother every month for Sunday dinner. There is something odd about how he fawns and coos over her. I know she is jealous of me. It’s a sticky situation.

Mamma Mia”

A lesson from nature: never come between a mama bear and her cub. That is how their relationship is whether you are there or not. A clever man would win her affection so he could enjoy twelve Sundays a year.

Dear Deven:

I got “Liza” from a kitten adoption 10 years ago. She recently had a seizure and now needs medicine four times a day on the clock. I’ve turned into a nurse and cannot leave the house. I love my little fluff-ball but I can’t really live a normal life. I am stuck at home because I love her so much. Help.

Cats”

I’m so sorry you both have to go through this. You need to find balance with your schedule by getting additional help. Show a trusted neighbor, close friend, or pet service how to administer the meds so you can get a physical / mental reprieve. It takes a very strong person to be a full-time caretaker of a human or a pet.

 

Dear Deven:

Remember when Julia Roberts married Lyle Lovett? People didn’t think twice about commenting that she married an “ugly” guy. I married the best guy ever but I’m told he’s an “ugly” guy. Why do I have to defend him/myself that it isn’t always about looks?

Beauty and The Beast”

No need to convince rude people of anything – they happen to be ugly on the inside. Sometimes you get involved with someone and others just don’t “get it” at first. Well, it’s not for them to “get.” It’s for you to enjoy.

 

Dear Deven:

My colleague at work just started wearing make up and a wig. It has created quite the stir. How do we all handle it?

Hairspray”

By showing respect. Offer them a safe environment to discuss it with the group when they are ready. The only office gossip should be how you can support them.

 

Dear Deven:

I haven’t told anyone that I go to church. I zone out most of the time because I’m really just there to sing. Am I going to hell?

Jesus Christ Superstar”

Yes dear, and you are taking all of us down with you.

 

Dear Deven:

I got my boyfriend the specific gift he requested for his birthday. He said “thank you” but there was a sideways comment of, “was that the only color left?” Uugghh.

Oliver”

Gift. Card.

 

Dear Deven:

I get controlled by others and give up my will a bit. I always thought that was the “compromise” in a relationship. Am I too passive?

“The Wizard of Oz

You can only be hypnotized if you are willing. When you wake up, you will take better care of your brain and heart which will give you courage.

 

Dear Friends: I do not offer advice, only my worldly experience.  DevenGreen@gmail.com

PHOTO CREDITS:

Image: Ryan Forbes

MUA: Joseph Adivari

DEVEN GREEN is an award-winning comedic chanteuse. You know her from the “Welcome To My Home” and “Welcome To My White House” parodies, portraying the satirical Betty Bowers and enjoying trivial pursuits.  DevenGreen.com

 

Dear Deven:

My friends have a weekly TV viewing party but there is one magnetic personality who just uses the time to “hold court.” I’m so bugged by him. Why?

Monopoly”

You can’t have a king without jesters. Others are choosing to listen to him. Perhaps you like the spotlight and are jealous he is lording over your disciples.

 

Dear Deven:

I was slowly working on reducing my decades-long, outstanding debt. My new husband feels like I should continue to pay for it myself.

Can’t he help?

Uno”

You sound like you are shocked that he isn’t fixing your problem. Your past is your past and sometimes people will offer an assist but, baby, you need to know how to handle your business all on your own.

 

Dear Deven:

When we go out for drinks and socialize I have one friend who makes up facts and then gets upset when we look up the real answers on our phones. Why is he committing this easily verifiable unforced error?

“Balderdash”

He needs attention and wants to be perceived as being smarter than others. He has gotten away with passing off erroneous information before you called his bluff.  The scam is up and he feels attacked. It is ponderous when people choose to be willfully ignorant.

 

Dear Deven:

My former friend just said he wouldn’t accept my apology until I told him exactly what I had done wrong. Isn’t saying “I was wrong” enough?

Sorry”

Not today and not for him it isn’t. You had better come up with more words and actions to fix this mess. Then, you should both agree never to bring it up again.

 

Dear Deven:

My parents like my sister more than they like me. She gets their attention and praise while I have to beg them to be noticed. How do I change my fam?

Connect Four”

It’s meeting/therapy time because this is not about your parents. It is about your competitive relationship with your sister. Work through this so the four of you can really get along as a strong family unit. This needs a resolution or it will affect all your relationships.

 

Dear Deven:

My friend always has a scheme he is running. The last one was about investing money in a new product that was already on the market! I laughed, but deep down I am worried. How do I give him some direction?

Mastermind”

He has a get-rich-quick personality but lives as a paycheck-to-paycheck guy. Consider having him work for you legitimately…in the sales department.

 

Dear Deven:

A guy I kissed earlier in the night ended up making out with a girl later on! What is that about?

Taboo”

NO WAY! Honey, some people just like kissing and some people just like judging others. Guess which one you are.

 

Dear Friends: All of my delightful advice is for entertainment purposes only. DevenGreen@gmail.com

Image: Jasmin Mieles

Mua: David Marvel

DEVEN GREEN is an award-winning comedic chanteuse. You know her from the “Welcome To My Home” and “Welcome To My White House” parodies, portraying the satirical Betty Bowers and enjoying a high ball.   DevenGreen.com

 

Dear Deven:

I am currently dating an older gentleman that talks Shakespearean when he is around his friends. How do I tell him that it’s mortifying to me?

“Old Fashioned”

Don’t worry! You won’t be dating him for long.  He is too good for you and your petty judgments.

 

Dear Deven:

I live with a “handyman” (my husband) who will watch a home repair program then think he can do it himself! It costs me more to fix it later. How do I get him to change the channel?

“Screwdriver”

I say, “put him to work!” Be a project manager and use his services for smaller more realistic jobs to do around the house/yard. Give him credit for trying.

 

Dear Deven:

I get a “free night” once a month outside the parameters of my relationship. Can you help me out?

“Hot Toddy”

1) I’m not a hook up site. 2) I’ll bet there is an online app for this type of activity. 3) Make sure your partner knows the nature of your relationship.

 

Dear Deven:

I had taken myself off the market last year for personal growth and found that it was more frustrating than anything else. Totally pointless.  What is the best way to make up for lost time?

“Absinthe”

I hope you learned that if something doesn’t feel right you need to change it pronto. Realistically you can never make up for lost time, you can only double up on your efforts moving forward.

 

Dear Deven:

I’ve recently moved from Atlanta to NY for work. I’m very enthusiastic about how much I love my home city but someone ends up taking offense.  How can I stop these “my city is better” comparison arguments?

“Manhattan”

You are homesick, honey. Atlanta is everything to you but there is something in your delivery that is making others defensive.  Find the beauty where you have to be until you can rest where you wish.

 

Dear Deven:

I’m in a long-distance love affair but I hate flying. Are we doomed?

“B-52

I’m sure you phone, text, and video chat, but the real test is the day-to-day experience.  It seems very fulfilling for what you need right now emotionally, but, if you want more you will ultimately end up drifting apart.

 

Dear Deven:

I’m a morning person. He is a night person. Will it ever work out?

“Tequila Sunrise”

Agree that you are both good for a nooner and everything will be just fine.

 

Dear Friends: I do not offer advice, only my excellent experience.  DevenGreen@gmail.com

Image: Reed Davis Photography

MUA: Joseph Adivari Hair: Miles Jeffries

Dress: Debakalis by John Sakalis / Eddie DeBarr

DEVEN GREEN is an award-winning comedic chanteuse. You know her from the “Welcome To My Home” and “Welcome To My White House” parodies, portraying the satirical Betty Bowers and as a nefarious

bon vivant.  DevenGreen.com

 

Dear Deven:

My nieces and nephew are monsters. Can’t I wait until they are in their 20s to spend time with them?

“Spoiled”

Dearest, all children are monsters, but they are not your monsters.  Be the fun uncle that always has to leave immediately.  Let them know they are loved in short, palatable intervals.

 

Dear Deven:

I just ate a whole sleeve of cookies. That is one serving right?

“Indulged”

Yes, of course!  But, sugar is not a reward and ultimately will not comfort you.

 

Dear Deven:

When I was younger I used to massage every whim and ego of my mentor. Now that I am older I find myself doing the same thing with my boss. 

Why am I like this?

“Pandered”

You were taught to be a sycophant from your mentor. When you raise your own personal standards of worthiness you will increase your confidence. You can admire someone without kissing their ass.

 

Dear Deven:

My parents are well-off so I have lived a pretty charmed life until I REALLY over- spent and they cut me off.  I can’t lead the lifestyle I am used to anymore. What do I tell people?

“Mollycoddled”

Boo. Hoo. Hoo. You were wasteful and self-indulgent when you could have created your own empire. Your parents have given you the gift of an amazing life lesson: To be able to tell people you are independently wealthy.

 

 

 

Dear Deven:

Is it weird that two grown men call each other baby names in public?

“Cosseted”

Oh sugar-muffin, poodle-head, peach bottom, of course it is! So what.

 

Dear Deven:

I think I am with a Momma’s boy.  We will be watching a TV show and he will ask me to get him something from the kitchen.  He’s not rude, it’s just that he EXPECTS me to just do it for him.  Should I?

“Catered”

Would it help if he called you sugar-muffin? If it’s bothering you that much then make a snack platter together before you both sit down.

 

Dear Deven:

I get my nails buffed and polished.  A “youth” questioned me on this practice.  How can they not get it?

“Pampered”

I know! “Youth” have so much to learn from you.  I’ll bet he was curious enough to try it himself.

 

Dear Deven:

I buy everything related to a certain musical.  I have to have it all. Stop me!

“Wicked”

You will never “have it all.” So just buy what you love. This applies to most areas of your life.

 

Dear Friends: I do not offer advice, only my experience.  DevenGreen@gmail.com

Image: Reed Davis Photography

MUA: Joseph Adivari Hair: Miles Jeffries

Dress: Debakalis by John Sakalis / Eddie DeBarr

WELL HELLO.  IT’S DEVEN GREEN.

 

DEVEN GREEN is an award-winning comedic chanteuse. You know her from the “Welcome To My Home” and “Welcome To My White House” parodies, portraying the satirical Betty Bowers and playing her live music show across the Americas.  DevenGreen.com

 

Dear Deven:

I was at my Grandmother’s funeral and started laughing uncontrollably. I was embarrassed and obviously apologized.  Am I an awful person?

“Out Of Place”

Yes, you are awful…awfully human.  You experienced an anxiety break which is totally common and happens at the most inappropriate times. You can’t control it so excuse yourself until you settle down.  Sorry about your loss, honey.

 

Dear Deven:

I really like my brother’s new boyfriend but I keep calling him by the former boyfriend’s name! He was with his ex for so long I have it ingrained in my mind. How do I switch over to the new name?

“Foot In Mouth”

I see you have made your brother’s relationship all about you.  Maybe YOU are missing his ex!  Pull the new boyfriend aside and apologize then call him “buddy” from now on.

 

Dear Deven:

I was at a small dinner party and our friend, who is a vegan chef, brought out appetizers. They were awful! Everyone thought so. I spite mine out and the chef got upset.  What was I supposed to do?

“Tasteless”

Have some class in dealing with unpleasant things in your mouth.  No one else said anything because they were grateful for his efforts. Next time, take a smaller bite and chew with your mouth closed.

 

Dear Deven:

I have wanted to date this guy for years but he was always with other people.  I heard he broke up so I swooped in but he rejected me!  Why do I feel so mad?

“Ill Timed”

You should be mad at yourself for acting like a vulture. If you considered him a friend and not a “thing” to subjugate, you would have given him some breathing room and then connected.

 

Dear Deven:

I’m in a workplace soccer league. We eat and drink socially after our games.  One guy keeps trying to conduct business when we just want to unwind. How do I address his desperation?

“Left-field”

He’s offside so tell him your communal goal is fun. Defend your position by inviting him to a business meeting at the office. If you are uncomfortable doing it one-on-one, then make a group announcement at the start of your social time.

 

Dear Deven:

My close friend is now a fan of wearing caftans – those loose dresses.  He keeps asking me how it looks. How do I lie?

“Ill-Suited”

You give him a little truth syrup such as, “you are one-of-a-kind and look so very comfortable.” Either join him or let him have his fun and be free.

 

Dear Deven:

I was invited over for a first date and he didn’t even clean the sheets! I just COULDN’T so I didn’t but then HE got mad! What?

“Unbecoming”

You, being a man of cleanliness, should have moved your party to the shower.  Let him be mad because your record is still spotless.

 

Dear Friends: I do not offer advice, only my experience. DevenGreen@gmail.com

 

 

Image: Reed Davis Photography

MUA: Joseph Adivari

Hair: Miles Jeffries

Dress: Debakalis by John Sakalis / Eddie DeBarr

 

DEVEN GREEN is an award-winning musical comedy performer. You know her from the “Welcome To My Home” and “Welcome To My White House” parodies, as the satirical Betty Bowers and performing as a comedic chanteuse in lounges across America.  DevenGreen.com

 

Image: Reed Davis

Celebrity voice guest (online): NELSON ASPEN  

 

Dear Deven:

It has been a tough year dealing with the daily news. I need a reason to feel better.

“Here Comes The Sun”

It is all cyclical. Eventually storms pass and skies are blue again. Be happy when you have sunlight and find a way to have hope when it is dark.

 

Dear Deven:

I’m glad this year is over. I’ve never felt so angry and isolated. How do I not stay this way?

“I Want To Hold Your Hand”

Your nature is to be social and not alone. When you reach out to connect, someone will always reach back.

 

Dear Deven:

I tried living “out with the old and in with the new,” but had a tough time letting go of the old. How do I cut ties?

“Hello, Goodbye”

Try either a quick break or a slow dissolve to move forward. Some elements just naturally fade from your purview and others pivot abruptly. These are both growing pains.

 

Dear Deven:

I buy the least expensive item anywhere for everything.  My closest friends say I’m cheap. What am I?

“Penny Lane”

You are a handful! If you pay the lowest price now and the item doesn’t last long then you are essentially paying double. When you thoughtfully factor in your end-game you may work your way up to being frugal.

 

Dear Deven:

I can’t stop thinking about my last love.  I can’t really get over him.  I want everything to be the way it was. How do I do this?

“Yesterday”

You don’t. If you dwell in the past how can you be with anyone, including yourself, right now? Conversely, if you fret about the future you will miss all the opportunities of today.

 

Dear Deven:

I took your advice and talked to someone about “me” and not fixing “us.” I feel stable for the first time in a long time and our relationship is solid. Thank you.

“We Can Work It Out”

It looks great on you. I’m glad you are enjoying what you knew was inside of you the whole time.

 

Dear Deven:

I work so hard at love.  How will I know when it is authentic?

“Real Love”

When you freely give your time, heart and best efforts to another person perhaps that is the closest ideal to real love. Of course, it is also the person that annoys you the least.

 

Dear Deven:

I love you.

“All You Need Is Love”

I feel it. Please let others know how much you care by telling them. Happy holidays friends, I will meet you under the mistletoe. I love you.

 

Dear Friends: I do not offer advice, only my experience.  DevenGreen@gmail.com

Special celebrity audio version here: GoliathAtlanta.com

DEVEN GREEN is an award-winning musical comedy performer. You know her from the “Welcome To My Home” and “Welcome To My White House” parodies, portraying the satirical Betty Bowers and performing as a comedic chanteuse in lounges across America. Deven has chosen you – congratulations. DevenGreen.com

Image: Franz Szony / Mua: Joseph Adivari
Special celebrity audio version ONLINE VERSION ONLY: Jack Mackenroth

Dear Deven:
How do I know if the choices I am making are best for me or if I am inadvertently sabotaging myself?
“Choosing”
If you find yourself justifying your choice over and over again, then something isn’t quite right. You need to honestly feel at peace with your decisions.

Dear Deven:
I live a lot of life but most times I feel empty like I am just filling up the time with “stuff.” I need something extra. What’s wrong?
“Nourishing”
It is time to take personal inventory on what you have experienced and then metabolize those lessons. You are not filling yourself up with what you need, you are simply consuming whatever is there. This is akin to “empty calories.”

Dear Deven:
I always ask for advice from all my friends, but they never ask me for my advice. Don’t you think that is a bit rude?
“Picking”
Yes. YOU are rude by relying too heavily on their value system instead of having your own. You need to start making your own decisions, then you can ask them for their opinions, not their answers.

Dear Deven:
I’m an idiot. I made a horrible choice at a bar. How do I forgive myself?
“Regretting”
I forgive you if that helps but be good to you by not putting yourself in that position again.

Dear Deven:
We fight over the stupidest things. He constantly says things like, “MOVE OUT!” but I don’t think he really means them. I can’t let go of these arguments though. Should I stay or should I go?
“Deciding”
There are consequences to what we all say. Mature adults argue but come to a point of agreement without cutting the other person down. If he doesn’t mean what he says, then why are you still listening?

Dear Deven:
I am dating using online sites, but there are just so many choices I honestly can’t make up my mind. Any guidance?
“Optioning”
Try one of each.

Dear Deven:
I ended up getting pressured AGAIN into buying clothes I can’t afford by a sales associate. I feel guilty if I don’t buy them. Why can’t I walk away?
“Exiting”
They are emotionally blackmailing you and it is working. You need to ask yourself why you need the approval of a complete stranger. If you walk away empty handed I can guarantee that they will happily greet you the next time you return. Choose YOU not them.

Dear Friends: I do not offer advice, only my experience.
Send me your questions: DevenGreen@gmail.com
PS: Special celebrity audio version: GoliathAtlanta.com

Deven Green is an award-winning musical comedy performer. You know her from the “Welcome To My Home” and “Welcome To My White House” parodies, as the satirical Betty Bowers and performing as a comedic chanteuse in lounges across America.  Deven is inscrutable at best.  DevenGreen.com

Press play and read along with Celebrity Guest Voice Chiffon Dior:

Dear Deven:
My husband has kept a personal journal of discovery. He has it under lock and key, but now we are now married, so what’s his is mine now, isn’t it?
“Compunction”
Your husband isn’t an acquisition, so let him share his personal property and reveal his private writings as he feels comfortable. Don’t go snooping around either, or you are asking for a lifetime of mistrust.

Dear Deven:
Our office manager is professional and a nice guy, but after-hours he is loose and gets around in the clubs. I am tempted to sleep with him. Is it such a bad thing to get ahead this way?
“Twinges”
I’m sorry you don’t feel that your own quality of work will get you the rewards that you deserve. Realistically you may end your career and reputation in one fell swoop. Remember, if he sleeps with you, imagine how many others in the office he has already slept with!

Dear Deven:
I’m falling for a new guy and want to take a “well day” instead of a “sick day” tomorrow. Can you help me write me a note to get out of work?
“Shameless”
Dear Boss: Unfortunately I will be unable to attend work today. Hopefully, I will be back tomorrow.” Have fun, but don’t make a habit of it. As a reminder, you will go to work when you are not feeling well to make up for today.

Dear Deven:
I just got a double order of candles when I ordered only one. It was their error, so I don’t need to return it, right?
“Conscience”
Did you pay for a double set? No? Then let the company know. Let them give it to you. Don’t take what is not yours, or you will get burned.

Dear Deven:
I am house-sitting and am two seconds away from looking through the drawers and cabinets. I want to look so badly! I’m not going to take anything.
“Second Thoughts”
What if I told you that the entire home had cameras filming everything. You might not be “taking” anything, but how about “giving” the homeowners some respect. At a friend’s housewarming, I curiously opened their medicine cabinet and read this note: Mind your own business!

Dear Deven:
My best friend’s boyfriend just came on to me. I’m freaked out. Do I have to tell my friend?
“Reluctance”
Where does your loyalty lie? That is your answer.

Dear Deven:
I’m a bad boy. I always will be. It is just my nature. Why change?
“Scruples”
Be you, but as my mother told me, “Don’t hurt others or I will kill you.”

Dear Friends: This column is for entertainment purposes…mostly mine. Send me your questions: DevenGreen@gmail.comImage: Franz Szony / Makeup: Joseph Adivari

 

 

DEVEN GREEN is an award-winning musical comedy performer. You know her from the “Welcome To My Home” and “Welcome To My White House” parodies, as the satirical Betty Bowers and performing as a comedic chanteuse in lounges across America. DevenGreen.com 
Special Audio Guest: Jinkx Monsoon

 

Dear Deven: I correct my friends’ grammar online. They are irked, but when I see non-words like “anyways,” I don’t want others to repeat the same mistake. Am I wrong? Exasperated”
You are not wrong, you are incorrect. When you see words such as “anyways,” privately message them. When you correct others publicly, there is a hint of superiority and shame and less of wanting to kindly educate them.

Dear Deven: I don’t mean to be rude to customer service people on the phone but I just lose my temper very quickly. I spend hours on hold then get no resolution so I have to call back. In this sitch, it’s okay to let loose, right? Aggravated”
If you mean making a smart choice by taking your business elsewhere, then yes. Try calling back a few times and eventually you will find an employee who can actually help you. If not, call up the competition.

Dear Deven: I haven’t been sleeping well because of anxiety. Any thoughts on getting some rest? Vexed”
Yes, have no thoughts at all! If you spend so much time indulging anxiety in your bedroom you must spend an equal amount of time alleviating it by doing things such as taking a long bath, exercising, getting a massage or discussing the root of it with a professional.

Dear Deven: My partner and I are getting married this summer and would like a classy way to exclude kids/children/infants/toddlers. What words do we use? Annoyed”
“Both the ceremony and reception are strictly adult only / no children.” This is very clear with no room for confusion. Even more exact is to put specific names on the wedding invites with no “plus 1” next to it.

Dear Deven: I’m dating a younger guy and thought it would be nice to take him on a walk through Piedmont Park. He was on his phone the whole time filming it instead of enjoying it live as it happens! What do I do? Exasperated”
Hold his hands so he can’t use his phone.

Dear Deven: I’m in a musical choir, and one of the performers is brown-nosing so much I worry that he is going to get some benefits. I feel like I should start doing it too. I need your advice! Over It”
Stop competing with him. You loathe his behavior, so don’t emulate it. The musical conductor knows what is going on. Have faith that talent will triumph. Now go sing your heart out!

Dear Deven: I am a simple man in a new relationship with someone who does not say, “Thank You.” This may be a deal breaker. Worth sticking around? Bothered”
Some people truly don’t know good manners. Give him the “My Fair Lady” approach: Simply show him by being a good example.

Dear Deven: The walls are thin, and the neighbors are loud at bedtime. Call the police or the landlord first?Nettled”
Make your own night music.

Dear Friends: This column is for entertainment purposes…mostly mine. Send me your questions: DevenGreen@gmail.com

Image: Franz Szony / Mua: Joseph Adivari

 

 

DEVEN GREEN is an award-winning comedy performer. You know her from the “Welcome To My Home” parodies, as the satirical Betty Bowers – America’s Best Christian and performing her live music shows in brothels across the Americas. Deven never left the 80s. DevenGreen.com

 

Dear Deven: I moved back home for a bit, and my younger brother plays horrible music. How can I get him to listen to good music? I Can’t Go For That”
You aren’t identical twins nor should your audio choices be the same. He can’t make you like his music, obviously, and you cannot make him like yours. Get some earphones you snob.

Dear Deven: I hate metal music but started casually dating this guy who actually goes to metal concerts ( I know!). Other than that he seems so cool, but this one thing is really out of left field on his profile. I worry that in the long run it will break us up. Will it? Nothing Else Matters”
Conversely, if he said he was breaking up with you because you didn’t like his music that would seem ludicrous. Give him a pass.

Dear Deven: I’m dating a DJ, and I know he is hooking up with other guys at the end of the night. Should I just accept it? Tainted Love”
It sounds like he is in an open relationship and you are not.

Dear Deven: My boyfriend is a theatre actor, and he has a female friend that comes to all his shows and acts like they are together. How can I eliminate her? Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”
They were friends before you came on the scene. She wants to be associated with a winner – you get to go home with one.

Dear Deven: I feel slighted when I am on the dance floor and people turn their back on me. We are all dancing in a group together and not in pairs, but I get snubbed. The hell? I Wanna Dance With Somebody”
Your intense fear of being ignored may be the exact reason people are turning away. Try being the one to turn around first. Or, keep moving and dance in all directions so you won’t put yourself in the position of being rejected.

Dear Deven: I sang karaoke for the first time and I thought I was awesome. My friends recorded me and it was horrible. How do I get over this embarrassment?  Like A Virgin”
Karaoke is meant to be a fun, stress reducer. Laugh at it. No one is there to give you a record deal so take it as such. The more you get up and sing the better it will be… hopefully.

Dear Deven: What’s good to listen to while making out? The Way You Make Me Feel”
If he’s going to take you on all night long, I hope he’s not too shy to melt with you. Whatever you hear, I’m sure you will have the time of your life.

Dear Friends: This column is for entertainment purposes…mostly mine. Send me your questions: DevenGreen@gmail.com

Image: Franz Szony
Makeup: Joseph Adivari
My special guest reader: Katya Zamolodchikova

 

DEVEN GREEN is an award-winning comedy performer. You know her from the “Welcome To My Home” parodies, as the satirical Betty Bowers – America’s Best Christian, and performing her live music shows in brothels across America. Deven rarely eats solid food. DevenGreen.com

Dear Deven: I think the cute guy who bags my groceries is coming on to me. How do I ask him out while he is working? – Yin”
Maneuver around the counter so your bodies are perilously close. Take your hand and brush it up against his dewy skin as you both reach for a mesh bag. Then, you snap out of your daydream and ask him what time he finishes work so you two can grab some supper.

Dear Deven: I think the cute customer who smiles at me while I bag his groceries is coming on to me. How do I ask him out while I am working? – “Yang”
No need, I’m sure he will ask you out!

Dear Deven:
I am a high-end, health food store manager. I was interested in a guy and enticed him by giving him the employee discount. Nothing came of it, but he still comes by and gets the discount. How do I take it away?- Perquisites”
By not giving it up so quickly at the start. Let people earn your “gift.” Tell him the store policy has changed. You aren’t lying – you are the manager and you changed your policy!

Dear Deven:
I lose my temper trying to park at the grocery store, so I honk and swear at other drivers. They seriously cannot park. Then we both have to walk in and shop. There is an air of hostility. What do I do? – Unstable”\
Have your groceries delivered.

CMI_Survey_Digital_Male_300x250Dear Deven: I feel like people are looking in my shopping cart judging me on what I am buying. Do others feel like this? – Malcontent”
Yes, of course you are judged, but you also judge. Lots of people have anxiety because of this. Others could care less. If it bothers you, then place your items underneath a bag that you lay over top of everything. Consider doing a self-check out. People match up what you’re eating with how you look or behave. I said in jest once, “Only shallow people don’t judge by looks.”

Dear Deven: When my partner and I go grocery shopping, he is embarrassed that I use coupons. He always reaches for the most expensive of everything. May you tell him to stop it? – Vouched For”
Stop trying to convince him. That is his issue to figure out. Consider setting aside all the money saved, and go out to dinner together. I don’t think he will shy away from that.

Dear Deven: I heard that if you can actually smell the seafood section in a store it’s no good. – Carpe Diem”
If it smells like a fish… It’s fishy!

Dear Friends: This column is for entertainment purposes…mostly mine. It was a great year due to you. Thank you. Send me your questions: DevenGreen@gmail.com

Image by Franz Szony Photography
Make Up by Joseph Adivari 

DEVEN GREEN is an award-winning comedy performer. You know her from the “Welcome To My Home” parodies, playing the satirical Betty Bowers – America’s Best Christian and performing as a human jukebox in brothels across America. Deven can say no with her eyes. DevenGreen.com

Dear Deven: I was told, “never work for free.” Do you believe that? – Sovereign”
NO. If you need to prove yourself and subsequent jobs are paying then offer one “complimentary” job. If you feel the credit or association by doing a free job is worth it, then do it. If you are always giving it away then it is just a hobby. Value yourself.

Dear Deven: I’m self-employed and feel obligated to say YES to everything so I don’t miss out on an opportunity? Is that right? – Scratch”
NO. If you are clear on who you are and what you do then it makes no sense to say YES to offers which have no meaning to you or you aren’t passionate about. As a goodwill gesture pass the offers you say NO to on to someone else who may say YES. You know, like your leftovers!

CMI_Survey_Digital_Male_300x250Dear Deven: I am successful in my field (finance) but I don’t love what I do…I think I am supposed to right? – Bank”
NO. Just because you are talented in a field doesn’t mean you have a passion for it. It’s either what you do or who you are.

Dear Deven: Do I have to spend money to make money? – Capital”
NO! Although you can pay me a consultation fee!

Dear Deven: There are so many people in the interior decoration field that I don’t know where I belong. It was suggested that I find another field.? If the market is super saturated, should try something else? – Loot”
NO! Find your niche and angle in your chosen field! Remember that every single person thinks that at some point in every single field. Yes there are challenges and competition so your real job is to create where you belong.

Dear Deven: I gave myself a one-year time limit for my business to start making money. It’s two years and I’m breaking even. Time to quit? – Tender”
NO. It’s time to put your time in. Keep at it. I want you to succeed and a big part of that is showing up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. It’s not how long you have been at it, it is how committed you are to what you started.

Dear Deven: Are millennials taking up all the good jobs since the market is always youth oriented? – Bones”
NO! There will always be openings for those with talent, experience, and maturity.

Dear Deven: You always seem to have all the answers don’t you?! – Grand”
YES I do!

Dear Friends: This column is for entertainment purposes…mostly mine. Send me your viable questions: DevenGreen@gmail.com

Image: Franz Szony
Hair / Make Up: Joseph Adivari

 

DEVEN GREEN is an award-winning comedy performer. You know her from the “Welcome To My Home” parodies, as the satirical Betty Bowers – America’s Best Christian, and performing her live music shows in brothels across America. Deven is allergic to apples. DevenGreen.com

Dear Deven: My partner is a chef who makes beautiful food, but a lot of it, and he wants me to eat EVERYTHING off of my plate. How can I say no? – Fowl”
You don’t need to put anything in your mouth that you don’t want to. You should not be eating for two. Eat for you. “No” means no means in any context. If he is that great, I’m sure he can make smaller portions.

Dear Deven: Should I eat meat? – Fauna”
That is an ethical question for you to answer not for me to tell you what to do. As you grow wiser, you make personal and physical revelations. Your beliefs may evolve as well.

Dear Deven: I am getting heavier being a vegetarian. Is there no winning? – “Flora”
Yes there is no winning! I’m sure you aren’t gaining weight by eating broccoli. Maybe you are putting a spoonful of sugar in your pie hole? You can trick your mind, but not your body.

Dear Deven: Is there anything I should or shouldn’t eat before being intimate? – Feast”
Be intimate first, and then eat.

Dear Deven: Is there a way to have a “cleaner” diet? – Fruit”
Try fiber. But you understand that there will always be “a little dirty” involved.

Dear Deven: Why do guys use the eggplant (aubergine) emoji? – Flexible”
It has no other “meme-ing” than exactly what it looks like.

Dear Deven: I really want fresh produce all year long, but everything is seasonal. What’s a farmer wannabe to do? – Frosted”
Buy some seeds and start planting in your home. Start with a sure thing like perennial or biennial vegetables. Trust me, I’ve never met a carrot I didn’t like.

Dear Deven: What is the difference between a fruit and vegetable? – Flame”
Seeds and roots. I’m sure you understand.

Dear Deven: When I am starving I over eat and put everything in my mouth. I feel awful afterward. How can I break this pattern? – Famished”
If you read the nutritional label on a package, that alone should stop you in your tracks. Try eating foods that have no label (i.e. a banana). If you know you get snack attacks, then be prepared with healthy choices! Be smarter than a bag of chips. And, as a general rule: If you have too much of anything in your mouth just spit it out – God knows I do.

Dear Friends: This column is for entertainment purposes…mostly mine. Send me your questions: DevenGreen@gmail.com

Image: AustinYoung.com Makeup: Mikayla Gottlieb

DEVEN GREEN is an award-winning comedy performer. You know her from the “Welcome To My Home” parodies, as the satirical Betty Bowers – America’s Best Christian, and performing her live music shows in brothels across America. Fact: Deven is taken. DevenGreen.com

 

Dear Deven: In my head, I want sick revenge on my ex. How do I release these nasty thoughts? 
Unforgiving’
Pointed, angry attention to your ex is at odds with giving and receiving love. Make revenge more about being a better you and living with an effortless pursuit of perfection. Being vindictive is simply beneath your usual high standards and will ultimately sully your good family name.

Dear Deven: I am still friends with my ex, but my new boyfriend is crazy jealous of him. How do I nip this in the bud? 
Disbanding’
Either your new boyfriend is creating drama for absolutely no reason at all, or he is picking up on something unresolved with your ex. The bloom has already fallen off the stem.

Dear Deven: I still invite my ex to everything, and he never invites me to anything – ever – other than sleep overs. What is that about? 
Scheduling’
He wants you there at night but expects you gone in the morning – that is his agenda.

Dear Deven: I’m trying to work it out with my ex, but he won’t go to therapy with me. I have anxiety every day until he calls. I’m a mess. How can I feel better?
‘Undermining’
Your self-esteem is based 100% on his whims. You have given him all the power in your relationship. Go to the therapist to heal you, not to fix him.

Dear Deven: I want my ex the more he says “no.”
‘Coveting’
You didn’t ask a question because you are telling me a fact. The reality is that this situation is turning you on way more than it should. And the truth is that when he finally does say “yes,” you will shrug and walk away because you no longer want what you thought you wanted. Player.

Dear Deven: I fall in love again every time I sleep with my ex. I don’t want to, but I can’t help it. How can I keep it casual? 
Yielding’
Imagine you are sleeping with someone else! PS: Smarten up.

Dear Deven: Why did he give up on us so easily?
‘Hurting’
I know you are in pain, dear. Examine your reasons as to why you invested so heavily in him. If two people have very different expectations, someone will end up dissatisfied. You can’t figure him out, so figure you out. I won’t give up on you.

Dear Friends: This column is for entertainment purposes…mostly mine. Send me your questions: DevenGreen@gmail.com

Image by Franz Szony. Makeup Joseph Adivari

 

Deven Green is an award-winning comedy performer. You know her from the “Welcome To My Home” parodies, as the satirical Betty Bowers – America’s Best Christian, OCCmakeup ads, “RuPaul’s Drag Race,” and performing her live music shows in brothels across America. Deven is an Aquarian. DevenGreen.com

Dear Deven: I had a tough year, so I want to start 2017 in a better mind set. How can I do this? Resilience”
Get some sleep, eat better, dress nicely, hold hands and walk more. Or pretend it didn’t happen. It is all about the choices you make from today forward.

Dear Deven: What is the best gift you have ever received? Grateful”
This column is always about you, except for when it is about me. The best gifts have always been, and will always be, experiences with others.

Dear Deven: I want 2017 to be my breakout year. How can I ensure this will happen? Effort”
It’s like this: If you ask others to help you with cultivating your talent, you are empowering yourself as opposed to asking someone to make you famous. Aspirations need harmony. For example, you can’t be lazy and rich.

Dear Deven: I honestly don’t know what I want to do. I know I need goals, but I don’t know what. Intent”
If you don’t know where you are going, how can we follow and support you? Instead of wandering around aimlessly, try narrowing down what may interest you! Make some movement, any movement, and you will find that you will ultimately move in the direction you always wanted to.

Dear Deven: I am making a list of resolutions. May you help me? Motivation”
Say “yes.”

Dear Deven: We didn’t do a bunch of things as a couple this last year because we kept getting distracted. Does that mean we really didn’t want to do them? Focus”
If you wanted it badly enough, you would have followed through and made it happen. At least you both are on the same page about avoiding it!

Dear Deven: Regifting? Flow”
Oh yes! If you will use it, keep it. If not, send the item out into the world to find its proper place. Although, if you personalize a gift with someone’s name on it, they can’t really give that away now, can they?

Dear Deven: I’m throwing a NYE party. Why did I do this? I want to cancel! Simplicity”
Save the dramatics for a public display. You will not cancel. You will enlist the help of your friends to take over the details. They will throw a great party in your home and at your expense. Lesson: Surround yourself with those who care enough to make you look good. Happy New Year, dear!

Dear Friends: This column is for entertainment purposes…mostly mine. It was a great year due to YOU. Thank you. I will meet you under the mistletoe. DevenGreen@gmail.com

Reed Davis Photography

Deven Green is an award-winning comedy performer. You know her from the “Welcome To My Home” parodies, as the satirical Betty Bowers – America’s Best Christian, OCCmakeup ads, “RuPaul’s Drag Race,” and performing her live music shows in brothels across America. DevenGreen.com

Dear Deven: I tried to date people from online, but when we meet in real life, they are just a bunch of weirdos. Isn’t this a waste of time? “Bytes”
Be more articulate for what you need and what you are looking for in your online description. Fact-check everything you can about the other person and video chat with them before you meet them in real life. This will make your time better spent.

Dear Deven:It’s all cute with my boyfriend, but I found out he is leaving nasty comments on videos and posts under another name. I’m shocked. Do I confront him? “Raw Data”
He is wearing a mask of anonymity online. He feels he can say anything without any consequences because it is harmless. It’s not. It is another form of bullying. He may be doing it for “fun” but there is aggression behind it. Be careful, because he is not a man who stands behind his words.

Dear Deven: I have to block all my exes whenever I get a new boyfriend. I feel kind of bad, but everyone does this right? “Firewall”
I know you want to erase your poor choices – we all do – but be aware that they have blocked you too.

Dear Deven: I’m with someone now, but is it OK to just fool around with someone else online only? “Encryption”
I’m pretty sure you can and already have.

Dear Deven: My husband is very close to his parents. Every time he video chats with them, he always wants me to show my face. Sometimes I am just getting out of the shower. How can I stop him?“Motherboard”
There is no stopping him! He will always want to show you off because he is proud of what an amazing catch you are. Just holler, “Give me five minutes!” I would be pro-active though. When you hear them talking, jump into the conversation for a quick hello. Not only was this your choice, but you have fulfilled your “husbandly” duties.

Dear Deven: I found my perfect match! However, I am not sexually interested in him. Will this change? “Zip drive”
No, honey. Either you feel it or you don’t. He is your perfect friend-match. In the long run, it’s pretty great to have an excellent conversationalist mate, which is how most long-term relationships end up; but don’t start at the ending.

Dear Deven: I’ve never dated anyone I’ve met online longer than one month. Why? “Refresh Rate”
That is because you enjoy the “ice cream” phase of a relationship in which the initial mouthful tastes very thrilling, so you just keep replicating this particular scenario. When you want the “full meal deal,” the dating timeline will naturally extend. Try it. If not, go back to having your just desserts.

Dear Friends: This column is for entertainment purposes…mostly mine. Send me your questions:DevenGreen@gmail.com

Photo: Reed Davis Photography

 

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