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DEVEN GREEN is an award-winning comedy performer. You know her from the “Welcome To My Home” parodies, as the satirical Betty Bowers – America’s Best Christian, OCCmakeup ads, from “RuPaul’s Drag Race,” World of Wonder, and performing her live music shows in brothels across America. DevenGreen.com

Dear Deven: I’m an Aquarian, what is my horoscope?  “Watery in Washington”

Deven: Do you feel that all the people in the world fit into 12 generalized categories? You tell this month what it will be, not the other way around.

Dear Deven: I tried to quit smoking, but when I go out and drink I smoke. What to do?  “Inhaling in Indian Springs”

Deven: Go out to places such as a park, running track, dog run, etc. where they don’t serve booze. Fill your mouth with something else to relieve that oral fixation. When you are ready to quit, you will completely quit.  No one can change your mind until you do.

Dear Deven: I have breakfast with my friends at the same cafe every morning. Is it okay to try the place across the street?  “Chewing in Chattanooga”

Deven: You are allowed to cheat on your waiter. You are allowed to eat anywhere you wish. Only you are placing emotional obligations on this scenario. In your childhood, you were punished for something of this nature and now your deep misplaced attachments are ruling you . . . I presume. You are allowed to walk away and walk back in again.

Dear Deven: I want to feel like a “good person.” What can I do to make me seem kind-hearted?  “Reaching in Regina”

Deven: I appreciate your desire to be a human being. You want OTHERS to notice how kind you are, so your motivation will always be transparent and you won’t get the wanted results. Find a cause that actually resonates with you such as volunteering. It may take a couple of tries to find the right fit for your sensibilities, but when you do, you won’t need to tell everyone how good you are because you just will be.

Dear Deven: I’m gay and I love to gossip! Is that sooooo bad?  “Tattling in Toledo”

Deven: Thank you for coming out. You gossip to provide the illusion of closeness by revealing something you shouldn’t to others. If someone you trusted kept quiet about your particulars, maybe you should extend that same courtesy if it’s asked of you. The only harm is to you, since your reputation will be sullied. Gossip about yourself or talk less about others, dear.

Dear Deven: I honestly feel like I am blending in with everyone else since we all shop at the same places and have the same aesthetic, same skin regime. How can I be different?  “Heterogeneous in Homer”

Deven: We all fall into some generalized categories, but you, in your desire to fit in, lost yourself. Create your own identity in the group by personalizing one thing – such as your shoes. Have a diverse interest which requires you to look, feel, sound and be different; then you have fulfilled your want to be you, and still maintained the safety of your group.

Dear Deven: I let Jesus into my heart but I let another man into my bed. Do you think He’ll be upset?  “Jacked”

Deven: Tell him that you and Jesus have an open relationship.

Dear Deven: When does it get better? — “Yearning in Yonkers”

Deven: When you get easier.

I have your answers, give me your questions: DevenGreen@gmail.com

Photo by ReedDavisPhotography.com

DEVEN GREEN is an award-winning comedy performer. You know her from the “Welcome to My Home” parodies, as the satirical Betty Bowers – America’s Best Christian, OCCmakeup ads, “RuPaul’s Drag Race,” World of Wonder, and performing her live music shows in brothels across America. DevenGreen.com

Listen to Deven read these questions and answers here:

 

Dear Deven: I can’t stop eating! Help!  “Mouthy in Montessori”

Deven: The first Thanksgiving lasted four days. Since I consider your mouth a vacuum, you are simply upholding tradition. Give your mouth some boundaries or have the fun challenge of losing five unwanted pounds.

Dear Deven: I fly home for the holidays but don’t have much to talk to my family about so there are long periods of silence. What am I to do?

“Hushed in Hannibal”

Deven: Ask your relatives questions because everyone LOVES to talk about themselves, and it emits a facade that you care. Invite local friends to the table so you have an alliance; or go straight to the kids’ table! You will look like a hero keeping the youth entertained.

Dear Deven: I don’t have much money and would like to bring something to the suppers I am invited to. Suggestions?

“Cashless in Calhoun”

Deven: It’s rude to show up empty handed. Your hosts care about the SPIRIT of your offering. Bring Jell-O ($1) in a fancy mold ($1.50). String ($1) some maize ($4) into a bundle. Write a thoughtful and thankful note (free) for your host.

Dear Deven: I receive dolls for gifts because I have a huge doll collection. How do I introduce my new guy to this part of me? “Raggedy in Richmond”

Deven: One at a time.

Dear Deven: I find it’s hard to make friends with men without them immediately wanting a long-term relationship or a quick fling. What’s a guy to do?

“Oblivious in Ohio”

I suggest you do them all since you never know how long this winning streak will last. Dear, you don’t really want a relationship since you are the one who is unavailable to them. Spray a different type pheromone to attract a different type of man, and then go home by yourself. I will see you in the friend zone.

Dear Deven: I want my friends to pool their money together so I get what I specifically want for Christmas. How do I broach that subject?

“Necessary in Norwood”

Deven: You aren’t high maintenance at all! I rounded up all your friends, and we decided to give you a photograph with all of us together. That visual memory is the best gift for someone who is as ungrateful as you are. Now, smarten up. Take what you are given. Say, “Thank You,” and re-gift it like everyone else.

Dear Deven: I’m down emotionally this time of year. How do I get out of this hole? “Sighing in Cincinnati”

Deven: I’m not a parent, doctor, or therapist, but, as your friend, I want you to know that you are not alone. Take my hand and listen: Extend yourself to others by writing an actual letter, helping in a soup kitchen, petting animals, reading to seniors, or anything to take the focus off of yourself. Most importantly, go see comedy in any form (online or real life) – it will always connect you with others.

Dear Readers, I care about each and every one of you. I have your answers,

give me your questions: DevenGreen@gmail.com

PS: Would you like me to read this to you? Go to GoliathAtlanta.com and listen!

photo of Deven by ReedDavisPhotography.com

DEVEN GREEN is an award-winning comedy performer. You know her from the “Welcome To My Home” parodies, as the satirical Betty Bowers – America’s Best Christian, OCCmakeup ads, “RuPaul’s Drag Race,” World of Wonder, and performing her live music shows in brothels across America. DevenGreen.com.

Listen to Deven’s Q&A here:

 

Dear Deven: I just don’t look good in the new Fall fashions.  “Verklempt in Versace”

I disagree. Very few people can carry off ostentatious as seamlessly as you can. If you get called out on it, just reply: “Fall? I am wearing Spring, for I always dress several seasons ahead. You should too!” Remember, the best fashion is a face full of fashion.

Dear Deven: I am a bit shy in social gatherings. Any advice on how to get over my anxiety? “Anonymous”

Two words: Vintage Banter. Memorize classic lines from seminal TV shows and films so you can quote them by heart. You will instantly connect with any group mostly because you are not talking about yourself but simply revealing what great taste you have. Trust me, I quote myself all the time!

Dear Deven: Help! My friends have started treating me differently after I said I didn’t like pumpkin!! “Peter Peter in Poughkeepsie”

They are “pumpkin shaming” you, dear. Next time, keep your piehole closed until the season finishes and eggnog shaming begins.

Dear Deven: My boyfriend cheated on me. What do I do? “Faithful in Fresno”

Shocking! People are loyal until they are not. Look after your own loyalty. The door is now open for you to consider other prospects and/or benefactors to ensure that you have some place to go this holiday season.

Dear Deven: I have friends that revel in seasonal home décor. I hate it. How do I feign interest? “Going Baroque in Barstow”

I’m sure you have faked it before. Interject with these types of words whenever there is a pause in conversation:
“Rococo,” “Mid-Century Modern,” “matchy-matchy,” “chaise-lounge,” “stool,” and “minimal” (which is the new “basic”).

Dear Deven: I am feeling puffy. What should I do? “Frumpy in Florida”

I just came back from performing at the Gay Naturists – yes, everyone was male and nude (except me). Your body image is only under a magnifying glass by you. No one else really cares because they are too busy looking in their own mirror. Get a better mirror.

Have a question for Deven? Send her your questions: DevenGreen@gmail.com. Be sure to reference Goliath Atlanta in your message.
 

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