DEVEN GREEN is an award-winning comedic chanteuse. You are familiar with her nefarious voice-over parodies, portraying Betty Bowers, headlining her convivial music show, and being a ray of light. 

Dear Deven:
I have a secret that I live with daily. I sweat too much and can only wear dark colors so the stains don’t show. Help me out Deven.
Albatross”

I could suggest products, doctors, or that you examine any anxiety you are experiencing. But, there are men who like men who smell “natural.”

Dear Deven:
What do I do when the guy I am with wrenches his neck to ogle other men when I AM RIGHT THERE WITH HIM?
Owl”

You tighten your leash on him. Truthfully, that’s just rude. His actions are clearly telling you that he is not fully vested in your relationship.

Dear Deven:
My friend is smiling ALL THE TIME. Should I be suspicious of someone who always seems happy?
Lark”

If they have a permanent smile in all situations it might be a mask to hide true feelings or depression. Check in with him to make sure all is well.

Dear Deven:
I grew up with a daredevil neighbor who would do dumb things just to make a group of us laugh. We all matured; he didn’t. I feel guilty that I might have messed up his future. How do I get rid of this feeling?
Loon”

Being a daredevil was always his nature. Maybe he likes how he turned out. Maybe he thinks he could have done more to rescue the group of you from becoming adults. Maybe this is all your projection on him. Maybe he’s happy.

Dear Deven:
When I was heavy, people would stare but never say anything to my face. I just lost significant weight but now people feel like they can make somewhat rude jokes about my skinniness. I never expected this at all. How do I respond?
Rail”

I usually retort, “charming.” Their few attempts at lame idioms will never usurp the excellence you feel about yourself and the vast majority of kindness and support around you. Your nonplussed response will ensure they won’t try another back-handed “compliment” again.

Dear Deven:
I’m a grown man who just got old-school braces on my teeth. My issue is I’m a little scared to be intimate because I don’t want to accidentally scratch someone. What’s a boy to do?
Woodpecker”

Congratulations on your bravery. The time will fly by and your perfect smile will all be worth it. But, until such time, I’m pretty sure that your mouth will know how to negotiate this territory. You can practice on a pillow, old-school style.

Dear Deven:
I’m announcing I shan’t date again. EVER. Shall I repeat myself?
Raven”

Nevermore.

Dear Friends: I do not offer savory advice, only my salacious experience. DevenGreen@gmail.com
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