Image: Ned Douglas /  Mua: David Marvel

Over the past six years writing for GOLIATH, I have received a veritable cornucopia of questions which until now have gone unanswered.  Names have been removed to protect the innocent.

Dear Deven:  I’m gay but I would sleep with you.  Would you consider it? You can’t afford me.

Dear Deven: I lost my virginity to my boyfriend and now he won’t marry me.  How do I get him to take responsibility?

Log this under: conversations to have before sex. 

Dear Deven:  When my dude gets home, I do a smell check to see if he has been with other guys.  Is there an easier way?

I’m going to say, “no” because it is quite obvious this gives both of you pleasure.

Dear Deven: We are identical twins but my brother is not gay – so we aren’t identical now, right?

I see where all the DNA went between you two.

Dear Deven: Why do some girls have a penis? I’m curious.

Because they are awesome.

Dear Deven: Straight porn turns me on. Is that normal?

It turns me on too.

Dear Deven: Sometimes I don’t wish to be gay anymore. 

It’s not a dinner reservation.

Dear Deven: I’m very, very large and no one can handle me or wants to sleep with me once I take it out.  I don’t know what to do.

Find a deeper hole.

Dear Deven: I borrowed (sic) my beau some money and now he’s not paying me back.  I can’t stand to look at him.  How do I get it back?

I will lend you some advice.  Don’t ever do that again.

Dear Deven: How do I know if we are dating?

When your mouth is full.

Dear Deven: My partner makes a barking sound when we are in bed. How do I get him to heel?  Help me.

Collar him.

Dear Deven: Is it cheating if I have sex between someone’s feet? You know, I press the soles of their feet together and…

Yes. You are cheating…on your hand.

Dear Deven: I am currently cheating on my live-in lover.  How do I stop?  

The next time you pull out, remind yourself that was a “dick move” and your live-in deserves better.

Dear Deven: My best friend is going through a rough patch and calls me every day sad, crying and depressed.  He’s such a downer to be around now.

Maybe he is sad because he has such an a-hole for a friend.

Dear Deven: I know you are from Canada – it’s like America right?

Some differences are: We use a metric 10-hour clock, all Canadians smell like maple syrup and, we learn about other parts of the world.

Happy holidays friends next will indeed be better. #fact

This column is for entertainment purposes only.  I trust you are safe and relatively sane now and in the new year. Your friend,