Photo by ReedDavisPhotography.com

DEVEN GREEN is an award-winning comedy performer. You know her from the “Welcome to My Home” parodies, as the satirical Betty Bowers – America’s Best Christian, OCCmakeup ads, “RuPaul’s Drag Race,” World of Wonder, and performing her live music shows in brothels across America. DevenGreen.com

Listen to Deven read these questions and answers here:

 

Dear Deven: I can’t stop eating! Help!  “Mouthy in Montessori”

Deven: The first Thanksgiving lasted four days. Since I consider your mouth a vacuum, you are simply upholding tradition. Give your mouth some boundaries or have the fun challenge of losing five unwanted pounds.

Dear Deven: I fly home for the holidays but don’t have much to talk to my family about so there are long periods of silence. What am I to do?

“Hushed in Hannibal”

Deven: Ask your relatives questions because everyone LOVES to talk about themselves, and it emits a facade that you care. Invite local friends to the table so you have an alliance; or go straight to the kids’ table! You will look like a hero keeping the youth entertained.

Dear Deven: I don’t have much money and would like to bring something to the suppers I am invited to. Suggestions?

“Cashless in Calhoun”

Deven: It’s rude to show up empty handed. Your hosts care about the SPIRIT of your offering. Bring Jell-O ($1) in a fancy mold ($1.50). String ($1) some maize ($4) into a bundle. Write a thoughtful and thankful note (free) for your host.

Dear Deven: I receive dolls for gifts because I have a huge doll collection. How do I introduce my new guy to this part of me? “Raggedy in Richmond”

Deven: One at a time.

Dear Deven: I find it’s hard to make friends with men without them immediately wanting a long-term relationship or a quick fling. What’s a guy to do?

“Oblivious in Ohio”

I suggest you do them all since you never know how long this winning streak will last. Dear, you don’t really want a relationship since you are the one who is unavailable to them. Spray a different type pheromone to attract a different type of man, and then go home by yourself. I will see you in the friend zone.

Dear Deven: I want my friends to pool their money together so I get what I specifically want for Christmas. How do I broach that subject?

“Necessary in Norwood”

Deven: You aren’t high maintenance at all! I rounded up all your friends, and we decided to give you a photograph with all of us together. That visual memory is the best gift for someone who is as ungrateful as you are. Now, smarten up. Take what you are given. Say, “Thank You,” and re-gift it like everyone else.

Dear Deven: I’m down emotionally this time of year. How do I get out of this hole? “Sighing in Cincinnati”

Deven: I’m not a parent, doctor, or therapist, but, as your friend, I want you to know that you are not alone. Take my hand and listen: Extend yourself to others by writing an actual letter, helping in a soup kitchen, petting animals, reading to seniors, or anything to take the focus off of yourself. Most importantly, go see comedy in any form (online or real life) – it will always connect you with others.

Dear Readers, I care about each and every one of you. I have your answers,

give me your questions: DevenGreen@gmail.com

PS: Would you like me to read this to you? Go to GoliathAtlanta.com and listen!