DEVEN GREEN is an award-winning comedy performer. You know her from the “Welcome To My Home” parodies, as the satirical Betty Bowers – America’s Best Christian and performing her live music shows in brothels across the Americas. Deven never left the 80s.


Dear Deven: I moved back home for a bit, and my younger brother plays horrible music. How can I get him to listen to good music? I Can’t Go For That”
You aren’t identical twins nor should your audio choices be the same. He can’t make you like his music, obviously, and you cannot make him like yours. Get some earphones you snob.

Dear Deven: I hate metal music but started casually dating this guy who actually goes to metal concerts ( I know!). Other than that he seems so cool, but this one thing is really out of left field on his profile. I worry that in the long run it will break us up. Will it? Nothing Else Matters”
Conversely, if he said he was breaking up with you because you didn’t like his music that would seem ludicrous. Give him a pass.

Dear Deven: I’m dating a DJ, and I know he is hooking up with other guys at the end of the night. Should I just accept it? Tainted Love”
It sounds like he is in an open relationship and you are not.

Dear Deven: My boyfriend is a theatre actor, and he has a female friend that comes to all his shows and acts like they are together. How can I eliminate her? Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”
They were friends before you came on the scene. She wants to be associated with a winner – you get to go home with one.

Dear Deven: I feel slighted when I am on the dance floor and people turn their back on me. We are all dancing in a group together and not in pairs, but I get snubbed. The hell? I Wanna Dance With Somebody”
Your intense fear of being ignored may be the exact reason people are turning away. Try being the one to turn around first. Or, keep moving and dance in all directions so you won’t put yourself in the position of being rejected.

Dear Deven: I sang karaoke for the first time and I thought I was awesome. My friends recorded me and it was horrible. How do I get over this embarrassment?  Like A Virgin”
Karaoke is meant to be a fun, stress reducer. Laugh at it. No one is there to give you a record deal so take it as such. The more you get up and sing the better it will be… hopefully.

Dear Deven: What’s good to listen to while making out? The Way You Make Me Feel”
If he’s going to take you on all night long, I hope he’s not too shy to melt with you. Whatever you hear, I’m sure you will have the time of your life.

Dear Friends: This column is for entertainment purposes…mostly mine. Send me your questions:

Image: Franz Szony
Makeup: Joseph Adivari
My special guest reader: Katya Zamolodchikova