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DEVEN GREEN is an award-winning comedy performer. You know her from the “Welcome To My Home” parodies, as the satirical Betty Bowers – America’s Best Christian, and performing her live music shows in brothels across America. Deven is allergic to apples. DevenGreen.com

Dear Deven: My partner is a chef who makes beautiful food, but a lot of it, and he wants me to eat EVERYTHING off of my plate. How can I say no? – Fowl”
You don’t need to put anything in your mouth that you don’t want to. You should not be eating for two. Eat for you. “No” means no means in any context. If he is that great, I’m sure he can make smaller portions.

Dear Deven: Should I eat meat? – Fauna”
That is an ethical question for you to answer not for me to tell you what to do. As you grow wiser, you make personal and physical revelations. Your beliefs may evolve as well.

Dear Deven: I am getting heavier being a vegetarian. Is there no winning? – “Flora”
Yes there is no winning! I’m sure you aren’t gaining weight by eating broccoli. Maybe you are putting a spoonful of sugar in your pie hole? You can trick your mind, but not your body.

Dear Deven: Is there anything I should or shouldn’t eat before being intimate? – Feast”
Be intimate first, and then eat.

Dear Deven: Is there a way to have a “cleaner” diet? – Fruit”
Try fiber. But you understand that there will always be “a little dirty” involved.

Dear Deven: Why do guys use the eggplant (aubergine) emoji? – Flexible”
It has no other “meme-ing” than exactly what it looks like.

Dear Deven: I really want fresh produce all year long, but everything is seasonal. What’s a farmer wannabe to do? – Frosted”
Buy some seeds and start planting in your home. Start with a sure thing like perennial or biennial vegetables. Trust me, I’ve never met a carrot I didn’t like.

Dear Deven: What is the difference between a fruit and vegetable? – Flame”
Seeds and roots. I’m sure you understand.

Dear Deven: When I am starving I over eat and put everything in my mouth. I feel awful afterward. How can I break this pattern? – Famished”
If you read the nutritional label on a package, that alone should stop you in your tracks. Try eating foods that have no label (i.e. a banana). If you know you get snack attacks, then be prepared with healthy choices! Be smarter than a bag of chips. And, as a general rule: If you have too much of anything in your mouth just spit it out – God knows I do.

Dear Friends: This column is for entertainment purposes…mostly mine. Send me your questions: DevenGreen@gmail.com

Image: AustinYoung.com Makeup: Mikayla Gottlieb

3 comments

  1. Phil Fryberger

    Dear Deven,

    Thank you for spreading your genius all over this page like hummus, for the benefit of humanity as well as myself. It makes me very hungry.

    Your fanatical fan,

    Phil

  2. I love this advice column. Always informative and entertaining. I cannot wait for April’s Edition 🙂

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