DEVEN GREEN is an award-winning comedy performer. You know her from the “Welcome To My Home” parodies, as the satirical Betty Bowers – America’s Best Christian, and performing her live music shows in brothels across America. Deven rarely eats solid food. DevenGreen.com
Dear Deven: I think the cute guy who bags my groceries is coming on to me. How do I ask him out while he is working? – “Yin”
Maneuver around the counter so your bodies are perilously close. Take your hand and brush it up against his dewy skin as you both reach for a mesh bag. Then, you snap out of your daydream and ask him what time he finishes work so you two can grab some supper.
Dear Deven: I think the cute customer who smiles at me while I bag his groceries is coming on to me. How do I ask him out while I am working? – “Yang”
No need, I’m sure he will ask you out!
I am a high-end, health food store manager. I was interested in a guy and enticed him by giving him the employee discount. Nothing came of it, but he still comes by and gets the discount. How do I take it away?- “Perquisites”
By not giving it up so quickly at the start. Let people earn your “gift.” Tell him the store policy has changed. You aren’t lying – you are the manager and you changed your policy!
I lose my temper trying to park at the grocery store, so I honk and swear at other drivers. They seriously cannot park. Then we both have to walk in and shop. There is an air of hostility. What do I do? – “Unstable”\
Have your groceries delivered.
Dear Deven: I feel like people are looking in my shopping cart judging me on what I am buying. Do others feel like this? – “Malcontent”
Yes, of course you are judged, but you also judge. Lots of people have anxiety because of this. Others could care less. If it bothers you, then place your items underneath a bag that you lay over top of everything. Consider doing a self-check out. People match up what you’re eating with how you look or behave. I said in jest once, “Only shallow people don’t judge by looks.”
Dear Deven: When my partner and I go grocery shopping, he is embarrassed that I use coupons. He always reaches for the most expensive of everything. May you tell him to stop it? – “Vouched For”
Stop trying to convince him. That is his issue to figure out. Consider setting aside all the money saved, and go out to dinner together. I don’t think he will shy away from that.
Dear Deven: I heard that if you can actually smell the seafood section in a store it’s no good. – “Carpe Diem”
If it smells like a fish… It’s fishy!
Dear Friends: This column is for entertainment purposes…mostly mine. It was a great year due to you. Thank you. Send me your questions: DevenGreen@gmail.com
Image by Franz Szony Photography
Make Up by Joseph Adivari