Well Hello. It’s Deven Green – May 2017 Edition

DEVEN GREEN is an award-winning comedy performer. You know her from the “Welcome To My Home” parodies, as the satirical Betty Bowers – America’s Best Christian, and performing her live music shows in brothels across America. Deven rarely eats solid food. DevenGreen.com

Dear Deven: I think the cute guy who bags my groceries is coming on to me. How do I ask him out while he is working? – Yin”
Maneuver around the counter so your bodies are perilously close. Take your hand and brush it up against his dewy skin as you both reach for a mesh bag. Then, you snap out of your daydream and ask him what time he finishes work so you two can grab some supper.

Dear Deven: I think the cute customer who smiles at me while I bag his groceries is coming on to me. How do I ask him out while I am working? – “Yang”
No need, I’m sure he will ask you out!

Dear Deven:
I am a high-end, health food store manager. I was interested in a guy and enticed him by giving him the employee discount. Nothing came of it, but he still comes by and gets the discount. How do I take it away?- Perquisites”
By not giving it up so quickly at the start. Let people earn your “gift.” Tell him the store policy has changed. You aren’t lying – you are the manager and you changed your policy!

Dear Deven:
I lose my temper trying to park at the grocery store, so I honk and swear at other drivers. They seriously cannot park. Then we both have to walk in and shop. There is an air of hostility. What do I do? – Unstable”\
Have your groceries delivered.

CMI_Survey_Digital_Male_300x250Dear Deven: I feel like people are looking in my shopping cart judging me on what I am buying. Do others feel like this? – Malcontent”
Yes, of course you are judged, but you also judge. Lots of people have anxiety because of this. Others could care less. If it bothers you, then place your items underneath a bag that you lay over top of everything. Consider doing a self-check out. People match up what you’re eating with how you look or behave. I said in jest once, “Only shallow people don’t judge by looks.”

Dear Deven: When my partner and I go grocery shopping, he is embarrassed that I use coupons. He always reaches for the most expensive of everything. May you tell him to stop it? – Vouched For”
Stop trying to convince him. That is his issue to figure out. Consider setting aside all the money saved, and go out to dinner together. I don’t think he will shy away from that.

Dear Deven: I heard that if you can actually smell the seafood section in a store it’s no good. – Carpe Diem”
If it smells like a fish… It’s fishy!

Dear Friends: This column is for entertainment purposes…mostly mine. It was a great year due to you. Thank you. Send me your questions: DevenGreen@gmail.com

Image by Franz Szony Photography
Make Up by Joseph Adivari 

1 Comment

    1. I love that Alister MacKinnon’s “Look At My Face” is the soundtrack for this. I’m literally waiting for a Betty Bowers “So Close to Jesus” pun to get thrown in somewhere. Something along the lines of Miracle Whip? Since we’re talking about groceries, LOL – great as always, D.G.!

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