DEVEN GREEN is an award-winning comedy performer. You know her from the “Welcome To My Home” parodies, as the satirical Betty Bowers – America’s Best Christian, OCCmakeup ads, “RuPaul’s Drag Race,” and performing her live music shows in brothels across America. She has two cats named “Who” and “When.” DevenGreen.com
Dear Deven: I think my boyfriend loves his cat more than he loves me! “Cat Scratch Fever”
He does. But you are first in second place!
Dear Deven: We were dinner guests, and the host kept feeding his dog table scraps. I wanted to scream. What do I tell him? “Animal Farm”
A vet once told me, “Table scraps can make your dog beg and only want human food. You really don’t want either.” So my answer is to sleep with a vet.
Dear Deven: My husband lets our Border Collie sleep on the bed, and he sheds. “Lassie”
Brush your husband.
Dear Deven: My baby wants to move in together, but says he’s allergic to cats. However, he isn’t sneezing. Is he lying? “Mr. Bigglesworth”
My answer would have been to create a cat-free area such as the bedroom, but you have bigger issues to deal with, such as trust. Please wait three more months before moving in. Seriously.
Dear Deven: I’m still living with my ex and am moving out soon. I fell in love with his dog and want to take him with me. How do I bring this up? “Argos” He’s not your dog, and it is not fair to remove him from the only home he has known. Pets are not pawns in relationships. You want to hold on, but it’s time to walk away and create a new furry family and life, OK?
Dear Deven: Can animals be gay? Like gay? “Snoopy”
Like do you really care if they are gay? Don’t you care if they are healthy, happy and have a sweet disposition? But the answer is yes, they can be. It’s nature and it’s natural.
Dear Deven: We wish to adopt a pet. Any thoughts? “Astro” You will go to a pet rescue or shelter. Take your time. Whether your adopted pet is old or young, they will let you know that they need only you, because they pick you.
Dear Deven: Parrot, dove or chicken? “Rio”
Try a cockatoo.
Dear Deven: We were going to take home a pot-bellied pig, but we couldn’t agree on a name. Stupid, right? “Babe”
Yes. Stupid. Hyphenate the name and then call it by a nickname so you both win and you both lose.
I don’t know what to do. His dog almost bit me, and he won’t do anything about it. I love him, but I don’t want to go over there anymore. “Sirius”
Get a dog trainer immediately to step in and deal with this issue since both of you are avoiding it. Get the dog under control first. Then you two can work together on everything else. Let this lesson apply to the rest of your relationships: Address solutions together.
Dear Deven: I don’t know how to say good-bye to my 16 year-old “Charlie.” “All Dogs Go To Heaven”
Pet owners love on a deeper level. Charlie looked after you for 16 years. Do him this kindness and look after him now. We are all sending you our love.
Dear Friends: This column is for entertainment purposes…mostly mine. Send me your questions:DevenGreen@gmail.com
Photo: Reed Davis Photography