DEVEN GREEN is an award-winning comedy performer. You know her from the “Welcome To My Home” parodies, as the satirical Betty Bowers – America’s Best Christian, OCCmakeup ads, “RuPaul’s Drag Race,” World of Wonder, and performing her live music shows in brothels across America.

Dear Deven: I will be going to my first formal dinner function. I need tips! Dining in Douglasville”
Sit where you are seated. If something falls on the floor there is no 5-second rule. Don’t ask for a doggy bag or dipping sauce. Send a thank you note the next day.

Dear Deven: What is the best way to send my list of food allergies to the hosts of several parties I am attending? Fussy in Fayette County”
Honestly darling, you are being high-maintenance. Bring your own food that way you know it is safe. You are going to their party not their restaurant.

Dear Deven: I am hosting a champagne brunch and just saw the price of champagne. How can I do this on the cheap? Scrimping in Smyrna”
Offer both champagne and sparking water. Or, pour half champagne and half juice. Or, serve an inexpensive champagne and put a raspberry in it because that’s fancy.

Dear Deven: What is the best way to serve appetizers? Forked in Fairburn”
With a toothpick.

Dear Deven: I have a friend who is invited to EVERYTHING even though we know all the same <expletive deleted> people. I’m not always invited. It’s just not fair. Sour in Sandy Springs”
The answer to your non-existent question is that jealousy is a disease. Examine one quality that your friend has and admire him for it as opposed to being bound to him with the sickness of envy.

Dear Deven: What is the best way to decline an invitation? Backing out in Brookhaven”
You say, “It’s simply impossible.” You aren’t lying.

Dear Deven: What’s the proper way to let dinner guests know they’ve overstayed their welcome and need to head home? Impatient in Ivey”
Be polite yet direct. Offer to walk them to their car or, give them a doggy bag that must be refrigerated or, better yet, come on to them – either they will leave immediately or you will both get a second dessert.

Dear Deven: We want to have an activity after our guests have eaten. Any suggestions? Wondering in Winder”
Have them do the dishes! If you have great friends then activities are just options and not necessities.

Dear Deven: At the end of the day we just want to eat at home and unwind in front of the TV. Is it okay that we never want to go out? Reclining in Roswell”
Move your chairs to the porch – now you are out. Instead of laughing at a TV show you two can laugh at the rest of the world together.

Dear Readers, this column is for entertainment purposes only – mostly mine.

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Photo: Reed Davis Photography