Deven Green is an award-winning musical comedy performer. You know her from the “Welcome To My Home” and “Welcome To My White House” parodies, as the satirical Betty Bowers and performing as a comedic chanteuse in lounges across America. Deven is inscrutable at best. DevenGreen.com
Press play and read along with Celebrity Guest Voice Chiffon Dior:
My husband has kept a personal journal of discovery. He has it under lock and key, but now we are now married, so what’s his is mine now, isn’t it?
Your husband isn’t an acquisition, so let him share his personal property and reveal his private writings as he feels comfortable. Don’t go snooping around either, or you are asking for a lifetime of mistrust.
Our office manager is professional and a nice guy, but after-hours he is loose and gets around in the clubs. I am tempted to sleep with him. Is it such a bad thing to get ahead this way?
I’m sorry you don’t feel that your own quality of work will get you the rewards that you deserve. Realistically you may end your career and reputation in one fell swoop. Remember, if he sleeps with you, imagine how many others in the office he has already slept with!
I’m falling for a new guy and want to take a “well day” instead of a “sick day” tomorrow. Can you help me write me a note to get out of work?
Dear Boss: Unfortunately I will be unable to attend work today. Hopefully, I will be back tomorrow.” Have fun, but don’t make a habit of it. As a reminder, you will go to work when you are not feeling well to make up for today.
I just got a double order of candles when I ordered only one. It was their error, so I don’t need to return it, right?
Did you pay for a double set? No? Then let the company know. Let them give it to you. Don’t take what is not yours, or you will get burned.
I am house-sitting and am two seconds away from looking through the drawers and cabinets. I want to look so badly! I’m not going to take anything.
What if I told you that the entire home had cameras filming everything. You might not be “taking” anything, but how about “giving” the homeowners some respect. At a friend’s housewarming, I curiously opened their medicine cabinet and read this note: Mind your own business!
My best friend’s boyfriend just came on to me. I’m freaked out. Do I have to tell my friend?
Where does your loyalty lie? That is your answer.
I’m a bad boy. I always will be. It is just my nature. Why change?
Be you, but as my mother told me, “Don’t hurt others or I will kill you.”
Dear Friends: This column is for entertainment purposes…mostly mine. Send me your questions: DevenGreen@gmail.com. Image: Franz Szony / Makeup: Joseph Adivari